Stifle me, before I let go
I've been living too long off of the old
Things you left, things you opened
All you possibly never intended to finish
When I'm better I'm my own woman
Sinking in memory I'm human
Recalling your best I'm caught again
Knowing your faults, too compassionate
Even brick driveways have their cracks
All breathtaking joy has a drawback
Love promises pain, signs away your rights
hopes and dreams, into equally broken hands
What little I know when wisdom is called for
What intellect lacks understanding swallows
You're a pinpoint of light, a garland, but not a sun
I'll wish I was yours while knowing I am safer not
Showing posts with label Moving On. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Moving On. Show all posts
You aren't so omnipresent
Finally, after all this time,
Just this much time,
Not very long after all,
For the first time,
In a long time
I sat for over an hour and nothing I was thinking was about you...
Because I was watching a movie.
I think back now and realize that since that hour
I've had a few meals that weren't about you
I've watched 2 movies that weren't about you...for the first time now.
I put on 3 shirts that weren't about you
I played songs that weren't about you
I spent time with a friend and her 2 year old kid
& while looking at him all I saw was you
But since then I haven't seen you all the time,
like I have seen you in everything, every five minutes,
for every day of the last three years or more
You're still here buried in my love, woven in, tainting my outlooks,
But you aren't everywhere
Finally, after all this time
Just this much time,
Not very long after all,
For the first time,
In a long time
I sat for over an hour and nothing I was thinking was about you...
Because I was watching a movie.
I think back now and realize that since that hour
I've had a few meals that weren't about you
I've watched 2 movies that weren't about you...for the first time now.
I put on 3 shirts that weren't about you
I played songs that weren't about you
I spent time with a friend and her 2 year old kid
& while looking at him all I saw was you
But since then I haven't seen you all the time,
like I have seen you in everything, every five minutes,
for every day of the last three years or more
You're still here buried in my love, woven in, tainting my outlooks,
But you aren't everywhere
Finally, after all this time
Just this much time,
Not very long after all,
For the first time,
In a very long time
redemption or something in the morning
I mostly just want to be free again,
to wake in the morning and not feel
like I should have done something different
I want regret to have moved to Nashville
and I want the future to be here
I'm not trying to rush things
But I'm ready to stop rehashing
the past and it's products
however it turns out from here
All I want is in the morning
to wake up and know that I'm alive
to feel like I've been praying enough
that God knows my heart & mind
and that I know my own self
and that someday someone else will too
and love me for it, unselfishly
once I learn to be unselfish.
once I learn to be less selfish. It's slow work
to wake in the morning and not feel
like I should have done something different
I want regret to have moved to Nashville
and I want the future to be here
I'm not trying to rush things
But I'm ready to stop rehashing
the past and it's products
however it turns out from here
All I want is in the morning
to wake up and know that I'm alive
to feel like I've been praying enough
that God knows my heart & mind
and that I know my own self
and that someday someone else will too
and love me for it, unselfishly
once I learn to be unselfish.
once I learn to be less selfish. It's slow work
I talk about change as if I embraced it. Excitement about doing new things, the plans & the well laid hopes of what's next and what's beginning. But even as all these false advertisements pour through my system and out of my mouth I know the truth. Change is never comfortable or without a level of pain(in adjustment, in growing pains). Even the smoothest of transitions leave some sort of residue whether that's worked out now or hereafter depends on our skills, our ability to cope, our methods of survival.
Some of us are half healthy and sometimes those healthy parts are the visible ones. Some of us keep the unhealthy half that never learned how to adjust to anything, hidden behind the side that has spent her whole life trying to excel to keep everyone from noticing. This only works well for awhile, eventually you break down, thankfully this usually corresponds with some semi-devastating outside event that is like a last straw for all the things you've been saving up waiting to process and adjust to, then they all come in a rush resulting in an overwhelmed often overly depressing mess.
You wallow in it briefly pull yourself up and go on. You're going to make it, get over it, time heals, you're strong, you're bigger than this, it doesn't matter, focus on the positive, it's for the best.... You end up interrupted before you've finished grieving, you're intercepted mid-process so the change and the regret & the proper place for the responsibility & pain is never fully digested, you'll keep it with you, but it's really not that bad because...
Because after all change is a good thing.
Keep telling yourself that
Some of us are half healthy and sometimes those healthy parts are the visible ones. Some of us keep the unhealthy half that never learned how to adjust to anything, hidden behind the side that has spent her whole life trying to excel to keep everyone from noticing. This only works well for awhile, eventually you break down, thankfully this usually corresponds with some semi-devastating outside event that is like a last straw for all the things you've been saving up waiting to process and adjust to, then they all come in a rush resulting in an overwhelmed often overly depressing mess.
You wallow in it briefly pull yourself up and go on. You're going to make it, get over it, time heals, you're strong, you're bigger than this, it doesn't matter, focus on the positive, it's for the best.... You end up interrupted before you've finished grieving, you're intercepted mid-process so the change and the regret & the proper place for the responsibility & pain is never fully digested, you'll keep it with you, but it's really not that bad because...
Because after all change is a good thing.
Keep telling yourself that
December's First
Hello December First, it took this long to say that he is gone
A full two years to finally say it may be over
After all you were young, after all this time I'm old
And you can never be a man for me, a man without a Father
This last week of November was a a bitter dose of memory I'm sure I didn't need
At least I know myself again enough to read the truth, the lies you fed me, the months you starved
the years of emotion and places you never loved me, places you never went to
Wearing October on my sleeve with a heart still broken, bruised with tearing screams
That pull me over even in my sleep I wish I could wake myself to dream again
Healing takes too long where you break me in untouched places
Goodbye September's sweet glow you'll never be what you could've been
A birth, a life, a binding tie that lasts till death do part...
From me to you, love may not be better lost
I lost my love, lost my friend... I hope you lost what I'll call innocence
A full two years to finally say it may be over
After all you were young, after all this time I'm old
And you can never be a man for me, a man without a Father
This last week of November was a a bitter dose of memory I'm sure I didn't need
At least I know myself again enough to read the truth, the lies you fed me, the months you starved
the years of emotion and places you never loved me, places you never went to
Wearing October on my sleeve with a heart still broken, bruised with tearing screams
That pull me over even in my sleep I wish I could wake myself to dream again
Healing takes too long where you break me in untouched places
Goodbye September's sweet glow you'll never be what you could've been
A birth, a life, a binding tie that lasts till death do part...
From me to you, love may not be better lost
I lost my love, lost my friend... I hope you lost what I'll call innocence
So, last year I believed I would be married next week...
I finally voiced that, out loud for the first time to anyone but you
It looks so naive, so foolish now... to believe.
But I think some time I'll be healing
That aside... I'm starting to stop blaming everything but you for why you left.
You left me because you wanted to.
If someone wants something they won't look for an excuse
From now on...
I don't blame my best friend
I don't blame your best friend
I don't blame my Grandmother
I don't blame my Brother
I don't blame my Father
I don't blame your Mother
& I won't blame your Father
No matter what the circumstances surrounding us
No matter what the people surrounding us said or did
No matter if I made mistakes, was afraid and unsure
No matter what your reasons where... and I may never know
One thing I do know, you chose to make your choice
No outside circumstances can, at the end of the day
be the thing we turn to when we need something to blame
No matter if every world we've known falls down around us
Even in the midst of this, we make the choice
For commitment or freedom
Love of someone else or love of self
To stay or to walk away
This may cure me, finally seeing, nothing else is to blame
for your words,
for your actions
for your choice
We just use those things we blame
to work towards the escape we had planned anyway
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