festivus (cornerstone part 1)

I am still processing the concentrated, fruitful time that sometimes resembles an overload of emotional chaos that last week was. Cornerstone holds a lot of memories for me, not because its anyplace special but because its been a consistent part of my life for something like 15 years... A lot of years.

I am confident in Gods faithful care. He shows Himself to be full of mercy in the most difficult times and the best. So worthy of trust that I am ashamed of my ideas of self reliance and how I am always jumping in trying to do his job in "my life" that I've supposedly surrendered to him.

I'm not thru processing this last week and maybe need a little time before I speak but there's a rich bundle of life I just lived and solved and faced and accepted. And it all starts with knowing myself more than I ever have before. And knowing God in me.

I don't know where to begin so this will be my start, everything else is formulating, brewing, mending in my head and in my heart, waiting for the moment of self expression where clarity and timing will make my words something that will not only speak truth to me but bring healing to you as you watch my process. No, Gods process in me. As I give you a window into the vulnerable broken mess that is my soul and you listen as God makes something completely His.

I usually wouldn't say this, but I hope it matters to you. I hope you realize how much I sometimes want to withdraw into my shy self, but I feel compelled that I should let you watch my attempts at surrender. I feel a need to get on a stage and sing until I'm hoarse and empty, give to the poor until it hurts and write late into the night and early in the mornings in hope that you find a kinship with my brokenness and need for God and mostly a way to meet yourself, to be honest about who you are. Because in that truth you find your need for Gods mercy, and how freely He has already given it.

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None The Wiser

Oh Dusk, you're shaking me, with your weak eyes dark
with the tears I've always swallowed stuck in my throat,
with my spirit emptied out with my body worn & hollow
In dusk I am briefly silenced & you are strangely shallow

I will only start to shake moments before the ones that matter
just before you turn to walk away & long before you made your mind up
you're an empty bed of lies but not on your best day if I'm honest
I only shake under the table, I only cry alone on the alter

If you had my eyes you wouldn't see love as your warzone
If I had your life I wouldn't understand the tough parts
you become yourself when you first think of someone else
if you have my eyes again, we will both be old and wiser

And Dark, if you ever come, if dusk ever opens
Take me in your hands and remind me how I know you
I am only wise where I let myself surrender
Light completes when dusk & dawn both birth & grieve the circle