Devil's Tower

I realized today that I have not in any way imagined or exaggerated my fear of heights.

Somehow despite my lifelong dreams of being a rock climber, despite practicing to be a gymnast on monkey bars & in huge oak trees from an early age, despite trying to act like one of the guys climbing scaffolding & ladders and roofing... Despite all this and more there came a point when I realized, I am a little bit afraid of heights... I don't know if it was while climbing on a speaker on top of scaffolding to attach a stage light, or while waiting in line for a roller coaster, or while on a 3 story scaffold tying to seal the outside of our house. (Actually that time was pretty clear when I froze halfway between standing and kneeling because I was suddenly paralyzed, looking 3 stories down thru the cracks in the 12 inch board I was standing on, I literally couldn't move even to kneel down and calm myself I froze there shaking for so long I thought someone would have to call in a crew with a helicopter to pick me up and carry me off.)
I didn't mean to be afraid, I know I shouldn't be, but the fact remains I am, very much so....

As proven again today by the fact that I blithely started out up the boulders that make up the base of Devils Tower. My brother and sister where with me, before too long my brother was out of sight, Jess stayed with me, until she turned around to see where I was and found me plastered to a rock, flat on my stomach unable to move. Every part of my brain was saying climb, except that one part that was saying oh my gosh you're way up in the air, and its steep. The thing is I don't remember my brain saying that, I just felt it. So much fear I was trembling and couldn't do anything but stay pasted against the rock until I got some sense back.

Honestly I'm ashamed to admit I was afraid. I don't like looking stupid and I further dislike looking weak. Or feeling weak for that matter...

My sister and I talked my way eventually up the mountain, I genuinely wanted to enjoy it. I've always liked climbing and further liked the idea of serious climbing... I wanted to be one of those climbers scaling that tower today but instead, I get a hundred feet off the ground and look to see how amazing this place is and I collapse, unable to make myself move. It's not funny or nice.

As I kept climbing I started mentally praying and I found myself saying in the same way that last week I prayed God heal me, God heal me because I don't know how to heal myself, I don't know what I need... I felt myself begging God to make me not this way anymore.

I don't know when or if my equilibrium and mind and emotions will all settle completely down about how far off the ground I am. But I know that I have been getting lots of practice with pushing thru and doing things that scare me and intimidate me, even things that I love and have always dreamed of. But I collapse 1/3 of the way into it, after marching boldly that far I find myself plastered to a rock wanting to cry but mostly just trying to find how to force myself to go on.

The answer I'm finding is to keep trying. And to know yourself, know your fears, know what holds you back and where you hold yourself back. Be honest with god about it. Sure He already knows but you need to say it out loud. And whether the fear lifts or not just focus on the one step right in front of you that has to be taken. Some of my fear is just fear, some is being out of control. If I narrow my vision a little, I know we are supposed to expand our horizons, but sometimes its too much. To expand we have to condense our view to a single point, a guiding light, a still small voice, the next step. It's suddenly faith, its belief that if I surrender all, I'm carrying less and I just have to move... And I'm less overwhelmed with the vastness of it all.

I doubt you're afraid of heights and climbing Devils Tower may not matter to you. But it mattered to me, because each step was faith and healing and years of wisdom running through my head, coursing thru my veins, sealing in my heart, climbing over rocks, scaling mountains and really living life...
Today was a very good day.

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festivus (cornerstone part 1)

I am still processing the concentrated, fruitful time that sometimes resembles an overload of emotional chaos that last week was. Cornerstone holds a lot of memories for me, not because its anyplace special but because its been a consistent part of my life for something like 15 years... A lot of years.

I am confident in Gods faithful care. He shows Himself to be full of mercy in the most difficult times and the best. So worthy of trust that I am ashamed of my ideas of self reliance and how I am always jumping in trying to do his job in "my life" that I've supposedly surrendered to him.

I'm not thru processing this last week and maybe need a little time before I speak but there's a rich bundle of life I just lived and solved and faced and accepted. And it all starts with knowing myself more than I ever have before. And knowing God in me.

I don't know where to begin so this will be my start, everything else is formulating, brewing, mending in my head and in my heart, waiting for the moment of self expression where clarity and timing will make my words something that will not only speak truth to me but bring healing to you as you watch my process. No, Gods process in me. As I give you a window into the vulnerable broken mess that is my soul and you listen as God makes something completely His.

I usually wouldn't say this, but I hope it matters to you. I hope you realize how much I sometimes want to withdraw into my shy self, but I feel compelled that I should let you watch my attempts at surrender. I feel a need to get on a stage and sing until I'm hoarse and empty, give to the poor until it hurts and write late into the night and early in the mornings in hope that you find a kinship with my brokenness and need for God and mostly a way to meet yourself, to be honest about who you are. Because in that truth you find your need for Gods mercy, and how freely He has already given it.

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meager contributions

It seems like I should contribute something
I was thinking as I watched the sunrise over the highway
I was torn about sacrifices, I was questioning why I question
All I could think was I'll soon be between my sheets
And I won't have to stay awake writing, because it questions me
It asks me to embrace discipline and produce what I was born to
And I am entirely afraid of what I was made for, I'm afraid to admit
Its not that I don't know... But every half I step towards it
Excludes me more from the normalcies I would settle for
This should scare me, is this where I say, "but that's where faith comes in"?
No, It's where I cower, because knowing faith alienates me
Asking you to believe that God compensates for the unknown, embracing who I am, leaves me abandoned
I'm not sure I should express without resolve.... Forgive my process, my living out my contribution
I'll rework the happy ending, but that not always being in sight won't always stop me

Ahh, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp or what's a heaven for? (Lewis)

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line upon line

I feel like I've intentionally been avoiding writing... Any of it.
Unprepared to accept, confess, create, process, heal, believe...
It seems like the floor was pulled out from under me from at least four directions. And most of the times...there's an angle, but sometimes there's not. Sometimes we sincerely want things to be okay and then suddenly (at least inside) they are.
We've been nursing this broken heart for so long we don't know if we can trust a mending.
Betrayal exists and comes and goes as surely as the seasons. You'll trust and break and heal and trust again.
I'm not saying this because I'm healed, I'm just saying I know this is true.
The very pains I'm most afraid of touch me and change me, it seems sometimes just to make me stronger.
We beg a reason, a need for fate or God or destiny to require so much of us.
We scream over how senseless it is to have happiness or love only to have it taken away. Then in our quietness, while peeled apart & crying, kneeling, standing, walking again...It all starts to come clear, in pieces, the completeness of it all, the need to be broken down, to know your weakness, to learn your strengths.
Day by day, Word by word, line by line, step by step, precept upon precept.
Character builds, time heals, knees and hearts strengthen, God mends and completes us... A work that continues and comes full circle in our brokenness we're made whole.
There is a strength thats made perfect in our weakness

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ghosts of beaches past

this week has been a mild kaleidoscope and though I'm not sure that's spelled right, it's feeling exact
and I'm deciding and deciding and deciding every now and then if I'm okay,
but mostly I won't let myself stop for just long enough to decide
as I count the costs of each distraction, does sanity or peace triumph or battle on
youth and the re-hashing of the same sobers even as it revitalizes again & anew
I'm less sure of anything about you but slowly less scared of myself

10.10.10

10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10

I love my family
I spent the weekend in the poorest county and my time here was rich
Being hurt can be good for you
I like Chicken Flautas
God is real, even when you are afraid. Especially then
Southern Appalachia is a beautiful thing
A Dirty Chai is not a sleep aid
Hard work leaves you satisfied
My sister is one of the best friends I could want
Loneliness is healthy

10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10

So, last year I believed I would be married next week...

I finally voiced that, out loud for the first time to anyone but you

It looks so naive, so foolish now... to believe. 

But I think some time I'll be healing

That aside... I'm starting to stop blaming everything but you for why you left.

You left me because you wanted to.

If someone wants something they won't look for an excuse

From now on...

I don't blame my  best friend 

I don't blame your best friend

I don't blame my Grandmother

I don't blame my Brother 

I don't blame my Father

I don't blame your Mother 

& I won't blame your Father

No matter what the circumstances surrounding us

No matter what the people surrounding us said or did

No matter if I made mistakes, was afraid and unsure

No matter what your reasons where... and I may never know

One thing I do know, you chose to make your choice

No outside circumstances can, at the end of the day 

be the thing we turn to when we need something to blame

No matter if every world we've known falls down around us

Even in the midst of this, we make the choice 

For commitment or freedom

Love of someone else or love of self

To stay or to walk away

This may cure me, finally seeing, nothing else is to blame

for your words, 

for your actions

for your choice

We just use those things we blame 

to work towards the escape we had planned anyway

Perhaps there is another kind of writing. I only know this one; in the night, when fear does not let me sleep. 

Frank Kafka