True Love... Counts?

If you weren't such an even number
I think doors would close more smoothly,
I think the little things wouldn't count so much
I think everything would add up
instead of distracting
Time should heal instead of taking away... from me
And if love multiplys does hate divide or was it just distance?
I think we're equally hurt, even though we weren't equally awake
If we were a slightly odd number I wouldn't still be counting days

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colored glass, the therapist

These moments in time and space, light and color, charismatic silences in the midst of a nonstop rush, even while striving to remain outside the ratrace... These moments where time and space fold and mend my analytics... These light fixtures can be healing.

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keeping records

I started out here ready to nicely document my last week in an attempt to maybe make someone laugh. I don't have it in me right now, not because I haven't learned that humor helps make life less dramatic and more bearable... I would know, an all too keen appreciation for the comic and the ridiculous has gotten me in trouble more than once...

But I probably don't have it in me because although my body has been playing errand girl at the lumber yard and at Lowes and in between times I've been cooking for 16, and playing school teacher to my little sister and answering phone calls and doing all this business until I'm too tired and sore to feel like blogging into my phone... My mind is running nonstop in different ways. I don't have time to amuse anyone by laughingly writing off my frustration, because after a meeting that changed my year I'm rescheduling the next 6 months in my head, I'm literally making multiple lists in my head for every area of my life and my family's life and our year and festivals and merch and new product and groceries and a new album, and the current album, and the cheapest place to buy milk and sugar and lettuce and flour and organizing the next festival and making this weeks menu and comparing prices on high-speed internet so I can turn it on while we are home so I can work and type these lists and many more into the computer...but I don't have a computer anymore because the ancient laptop that I have everything on just broke out of the blue. It won't turn on anymore and I keep reaching to look something up but I can't because my laptop's broken and I have no way to get a new one... Inconvenient but still much more bearable than the fact that while these lists and literally at least 50 more are running thru my head...
while I'm working and busy and organizing all the worlds problems away there's a flashing neon sign in my head and a weary spot in my heart reminding me that there are other things I should be doing and everyday that passes I'm not getting any younger and if I'm not keeping house and making babies like a woman should, I should at least be making music, I should. I should allow that though everything I hide behind is good, it's not everything...
But so much time has passed and it wasn't because I wasn't trying and I wasn't using waiting on Gods
Timing as a facade or an excuse. There were times when building a platform for others was more important, and as I get another message asking if they're on the stage this year and I have to say no...not this year, I'm torn. Because I want to give to others... So I guess my momentary pause tonight is this, is it pride in me that is wants something to show for all these years of work, or is it Gods timing? Finally a small piece of fulfillment of the years of work, promises, sweat, patience and
Tears.... Why am I giving pause to any question? I'm going downstairs to answer it.

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I talk about change as if I embraced it. Excitement about doing new things, the plans & the well laid hopes of what's next and what's beginning. But even as all these false advertisements pour through my system and out of my mouth I know the truth. Change is never comfortable or without a level of pain(in adjustment, in growing pains). Even the smoothest of transitions leave some sort of residue whether that's worked out now or hereafter depends on our skills, our ability to cope, our methods of survival.

Some of us are half healthy and sometimes those healthy parts are the visible ones. Some of us keep the unhealthy half that never learned how to adjust to anything, hidden behind the side that has spent her whole life trying to excel to keep everyone from noticing.  This only works well for awhile, eventually you break down, thankfully this usually corresponds with some semi-devastating outside event that is like a last straw for all the things you've been saving up waiting to process and adjust to, then they all come in a rush resulting in an overwhelmed often overly depressing mess.
You wallow in it briefly pull yourself up and go on. You're going to make it, get over it, time heals, you're strong, you're bigger than this, it doesn't matter, focus on the positive, it's for the best.... You end up interrupted before you've finished grieving, you're intercepted mid-process so the change and the regret & the proper place for the responsibility & pain is never fully digested, you'll keep it with you, but it's really not that bad because...
Because after all change is a good thing.
Keep telling yourself that

2003

Just digging thru the past and found this ::

Time seems to capsulize

Maybe I buried it too far in the sand

Love seems to know what’s right

Knows tears fall at night beating on the sand

This day is not a safe place for me
In trial and questioning
In inner thoughts & sanctums
Doubt (ing)
Hope (ing)
Grieving


This day is not a safe place. 
Neither am I safe in it. 
From anything 
I run from, 
I run to, 
I run with.


This night inside my heart 
Partakes my minds endlessness
In every need 
I have,
I haven't, 
I won't meet


Don't ask me how or where
this mean street meets me
Just between
My love, 
My hate, 
And their sameness


You are their sameness
I am my own half enemy
In heaven and earth
In distance
In silence
Inquiry

How is it the ones who least deserve it often get the most...
Tears, time, effort, regret
And the ones who may deserve a little more spend so much on them.

That's my deep thought for today...
Other than that, aside from work I'm focused on drinking water, getting back in shape, telling my sister what I want on this birthday list she's making for me and making homemade peach ice cream.

Tell me you think the second paragraph deserves more time & heart than the first...