festivus (cornerstone part 1)

I am still processing the concentrated, fruitful time that sometimes resembles an overload of emotional chaos that last week was. Cornerstone holds a lot of memories for me, not because its anyplace special but because its been a consistent part of my life for something like 15 years... A lot of years.

I am confident in Gods faithful care. He shows Himself to be full of mercy in the most difficult times and the best. So worthy of trust that I am ashamed of my ideas of self reliance and how I am always jumping in trying to do his job in "my life" that I've supposedly surrendered to him.

I'm not thru processing this last week and maybe need a little time before I speak but there's a rich bundle of life I just lived and solved and faced and accepted. And it all starts with knowing myself more than I ever have before. And knowing God in me.

I don't know where to begin so this will be my start, everything else is formulating, brewing, mending in my head and in my heart, waiting for the moment of self expression where clarity and timing will make my words something that will not only speak truth to me but bring healing to you as you watch my process. No, Gods process in me. As I give you a window into the vulnerable broken mess that is my soul and you listen as God makes something completely His.

I usually wouldn't say this, but I hope it matters to you. I hope you realize how much I sometimes want to withdraw into my shy self, but I feel compelled that I should let you watch my attempts at surrender. I feel a need to get on a stage and sing until I'm hoarse and empty, give to the poor until it hurts and write late into the night and early in the mornings in hope that you find a kinship with my brokenness and need for God and mostly a way to meet yourself, to be honest about who you are. Because in that truth you find your need for Gods mercy, and how freely He has already given it.

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line upon line

I feel like I've intentionally been avoiding writing... Any of it.
Unprepared to accept, confess, create, process, heal, believe...
It seems like the floor was pulled out from under me from at least four directions. And most of the times...there's an angle, but sometimes there's not. Sometimes we sincerely want things to be okay and then suddenly (at least inside) they are.
We've been nursing this broken heart for so long we don't know if we can trust a mending.
Betrayal exists and comes and goes as surely as the seasons. You'll trust and break and heal and trust again.
I'm not saying this because I'm healed, I'm just saying I know this is true.
The very pains I'm most afraid of touch me and change me, it seems sometimes just to make me stronger.
We beg a reason, a need for fate or God or destiny to require so much of us.
We scream over how senseless it is to have happiness or love only to have it taken away. Then in our quietness, while peeled apart & crying, kneeling, standing, walking again...It all starts to come clear, in pieces, the completeness of it all, the need to be broken down, to know your weakness, to learn your strengths.
Day by day, Word by word, line by line, step by step, precept upon precept.
Character builds, time heals, knees and hearts strengthen, God mends and completes us... A work that continues and comes full circle in our brokenness we're made whole.
There is a strength thats made perfect in our weakness

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