Tonight I'm a distant star amid a crashed honorarium and twilights golden lies,
don't judge me. Don't count me out and don't, don't ask me again, if I've spoken to him.
pretend we were young and it wasn't your fault, it wasn't mine
it was all in the time and diluted moonlight, sometimes.
I'm not sorry and you're not stubborn and someday I will
"just stop regretting & be happy for the time I had with you" but I won't
don't be ashamed, but don't be awake either one
of us is stolen, the other is still and no one
between us could drive us further than we chauffeured our self
I will be the lamp post to anchor your hours,
you be the dirt for my bankrupt garden
In the empty mass of the could be tomorrows,
I would make more sobering vows
:::::::::: :::::::: ::::::::::
And if there's things I miss I won't admit it,
if they start with him they have no ending,
Don't ask how he stole my answers,
I'm on a hard earned quest for indifference
:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::
I just found this picture from this Summer.
The expression on my face sums it all up somewhere between complete knowing & bewilderment
This was probably a high point of my year, way out in Sturgis, SD. This August was such a stark contrast to last year's August. I could almost feel myself healing, but only by degrees. No, it' wasn't so much healing as just getting stronger, or maybe getting to know my strength, I think that's more like it. Trying it on, getting more comfortable in my own self, or own skin or what have you. I'm not bitter, I know I've survived & even though there's an unmoving tear inside me, I feel God trusting me, I can feel trust in myself forming. Not to the point of being overly self assured, but just enough to feel alive again. Just enough to heal the places where judgment & cynicism had torn me. Enough to make me realize deep in my being that trying to point out someone elses weaknesses will never make you stronger & disproving someone else will not prove who you are. When you get to know yourself better you'll know these things.
The expression on my face sums it all up somewhere between complete knowing & bewilderment
This was probably a high point of my year, way out in Sturgis, SD. This August was such a stark contrast to last year's August. I could almost feel myself healing, but only by degrees. No, it' wasn't so much healing as just getting stronger, or maybe getting to know my strength, I think that's more like it. Trying it on, getting more comfortable in my own self, or own skin or what have you. I'm not bitter, I know I've survived & even though there's an unmoving tear inside me, I feel God trusting me, I can feel trust in myself forming. Not to the point of being overly self assured, but just enough to feel alive again. Just enough to heal the places where judgment & cynicism had torn me. Enough to make me realize deep in my being that trying to point out someone elses weaknesses will never make you stronger & disproving someone else will not prove who you are. When you get to know yourself better you'll know these things.
All those sacred things you left me
Boy I just went out and burned them
in my backyard with a torch
two torches made of background and medium
It didn't heal my pain, it didn't cleanse my palette
We wrote too much, that's why we knew too much
I never meant to hurt you, you never meant to help me
And neither one of us knew the costs of being selfless
Boy I just went out and burned them
in my backyard with a torch
two torches made of background and medium
It didn't heal my pain, it didn't cleanse my palette
We wrote too much, that's why we knew too much
I never meant to hurt you, you never meant to help me
And neither one of us knew the costs of being selfless
December's First
Hello December First, it took this long to say that he is gone
A full two years to finally say it may be over
After all you were young, after all this time I'm old
And you can never be a man for me, a man without a Father
This last week of November was a a bitter dose of memory I'm sure I didn't need
At least I know myself again enough to read the truth, the lies you fed me, the months you starved
the years of emotion and places you never loved me, places you never went to
Wearing October on my sleeve with a heart still broken, bruised with tearing screams
That pull me over even in my sleep I wish I could wake myself to dream again
Healing takes too long where you break me in untouched places
Goodbye September's sweet glow you'll never be what you could've been
A birth, a life, a binding tie that lasts till death do part...
From me to you, love may not be better lost
I lost my love, lost my friend... I hope you lost what I'll call innocence
A full two years to finally say it may be over
After all you were young, after all this time I'm old
And you can never be a man for me, a man without a Father
This last week of November was a a bitter dose of memory I'm sure I didn't need
At least I know myself again enough to read the truth, the lies you fed me, the months you starved
the years of emotion and places you never loved me, places you never went to
Wearing October on my sleeve with a heart still broken, bruised with tearing screams
That pull me over even in my sleep I wish I could wake myself to dream again
Healing takes too long where you break me in untouched places
Goodbye September's sweet glow you'll never be what you could've been
A birth, a life, a binding tie that lasts till death do part...
From me to you, love may not be better lost
I lost my love, lost my friend... I hope you lost what I'll call innocence
I just need to say I love the first day's of December because ::
Christmas really starts now
Christmas is almost hereEverything is new and everything that's ending now will start again soon
I'm getting better
Eggnog is in season
No one can tell me not to play Christmas music
And I just finished getting more time with my family than I've had all year
Hello little blog, I don't know if anyone else reads you but me, but I just want to say I miss you when I don't write. I miss myself when I don't write enough and if you only knew all the things that happened on those days in between, you'd probably appreciate me more... And stop blaming me for getting distracted :)
Today I feel anything I would put here would be just too much or certainly not enough to portray the inner turmoil that has been mine of late.
I notice I have a small list of blogs that I follow the people who own them don't write enough either.
I occasionally see a little post in between two of mine.
Maybe everyone has too much and too little to say to describe what they're feeling...
That is to say if anything comes to the surface, everything will.
And we can't have that, now can we?
I do notice that twitter & other social sharing systems abound with little pieces of life, much of which is either clipped to keep it impersonal or far too descriptive of things no one needs to know, creating a dramatic existence in a psuedo-reality
What a mess of sharing too much and hiding too much we all are
I notice I have a small list of blogs that I follow the people who own them don't write enough either.
I occasionally see a little post in between two of mine.
Maybe everyone has too much and too little to say to describe what they're feeling...
That is to say if anything comes to the surface, everything will.
And we can't have that, now can we?
I do notice that twitter & other social sharing systems abound with little pieces of life, much of which is either clipped to keep it impersonal or far too descriptive of things no one needs to know, creating a dramatic existence in a psuedo-reality
What a mess of sharing too much and hiding too much we all are
the dark night of the soul & other types of sacrifice
I read once about the dark night of the soul
In some cases I think the dark night is bound with the soul
And only in hope's continual breaking
will you ever reach thru the dark to the surface
Some ties are meant to bind and some ties...
that we think will steady really pull us under & over
I shuddered to break those ties, but too often they weaken me
I don't claim to be anything more or less than you
And I see each human as an equal until character proves them...
Nothing in me wants to harm you but I have to live by rules I set
though I am only now learning what it means to fully enforce them... in my self
In some cases I think the dark night is bound with the soul
And only in hope's continual breaking
will you ever reach thru the dark to the surface
Some ties are meant to bind and some ties...
that we think will steady really pull us under & over
I shuddered to break those ties, but too often they weaken me
I don't claim to be anything more or less than you
And I see each human as an equal until character proves them...
Nothing in me wants to harm you but I have to live by rules I set
though I am only now learning what it means to fully enforce them... in my self
This day is not a safe place for me
In trial and questioning
In inner thoughts & sanctums
Doubt (ing)
Hope (ing)
Grieving
This day is not a safe place.
Neither am I safe in it.
From anything
I run from,
I run to,
I run with.
This night inside my heart
Partakes my minds endlessness
In every need
I have,
I haven't,
I won't meet
Don't ask me how or where
this mean street meets me
Just between
My love,
My hate,
And their sameness
You are their sameness
I am my own half enemy
In heaven and earth
In distance
In silence
Inquiry
In trial and questioning
In inner thoughts & sanctums
Doubt (ing)
Hope (ing)
Grieving
This day is not a safe place.
Neither am I safe in it.
From anything
I run from,
I run to,
I run with.
This night inside my heart
Partakes my minds endlessness
In every need
I have,
I haven't,
I won't meet
Don't ask me how or where
this mean street meets me
Just between
My love,
My hate,
And their sameness
You are their sameness
I am my own half enemy
In heaven and earth
In distance
In silence
Inquiry
10.10.10
10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10
I love my family
I spent the weekend in the poorest county and my time here was rich
Being hurt can be good for you
I like Chicken Flautas
God is real, even when you are afraid. Especially then
Southern Appalachia is a beautiful thing
A Dirty Chai is not a sleep aid
Hard work leaves you satisfied
My sister is one of the best friends I could want
Loneliness is healthy
10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10
I love my family
I spent the weekend in the poorest county and my time here was rich
Being hurt can be good for you
I like Chicken Flautas
God is real, even when you are afraid. Especially then
Southern Appalachia is a beautiful thing
A Dirty Chai is not a sleep aid
Hard work leaves you satisfied
My sister is one of the best friends I could want
Loneliness is healthy
10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10
Things I'm thinking
Wondering if some thing's lost should be found again.
Sorrow is far too invitingly familiar.
Don't bite back, when it bites.
That Pure gum that's mint & melon is actually good.
I like Florida after all
Birthday's with family are good
Every day needs to count...
If you think you don't (count) look around you
I like juice almost as much as my sister does
You never know what it's worth until you're standing in the gap as your heart is taking dying breath's
Sorrow is far too invitingly familiar.
Don't bite back, when it bites.
That Pure gum that's mint & melon is actually good.
I like Florida after all
Birthday's with family are good
Every day needs to count...
If you think you don't (count) look around you
I like juice almost as much as my sister does
You never know what it's worth until you're standing in the gap as your heart is taking dying breath's
So, last year I believed I would be married next week...
I finally voiced that, out loud for the first time to anyone but you
It looks so naive, so foolish now... to believe.
But I think some time I'll be healing
That aside... I'm starting to stop blaming everything but you for why you left.
You left me because you wanted to.
If someone wants something they won't look for an excuse
From now on...
I don't blame my best friend
I don't blame your best friend
I don't blame my Grandmother
I don't blame my Brother
I don't blame my Father
I don't blame your Mother
& I won't blame your Father
No matter what the circumstances surrounding us
No matter what the people surrounding us said or did
No matter if I made mistakes, was afraid and unsure
No matter what your reasons where... and I may never know
One thing I do know, you chose to make your choice
No outside circumstances can, at the end of the day
be the thing we turn to when we need something to blame
No matter if every world we've known falls down around us
Even in the midst of this, we make the choice
For commitment or freedom
Love of someone else or love of self
To stay or to walk away
This may cure me, finally seeing, nothing else is to blame
for your words,
for your actions
for your choice
We just use those things we blame
to work towards the escape we had planned anyway
Good morning September, again
I woke up this morning from a dream about Peter Furler, not Phil Joel mind you, Peter Furler. I'm pretty sure it was a younger version of him, but just the same, why him?
He couldn't be less like the person that usually claims my dreams. But I'd rather dream about some Christian Music "has been" then waste dreams on things (people) I already know didn't think I was worth sharing dreams with. There I go again, slipping up... I'm trying, I promise... I'm trying to not refer everything back to him, not to rehash what happened last year, not to start hurting every few minutes. I'm trying not to let self pity make you hear one more story of my broken heart. I'm trying....
Every day I look at myself in the mirror and force myself to get past every thought that's written on my face...
I make myself pull on my clothes & close the bedroom door. I look out the window as I head down the stairs and I act like the changing of the seasons is mine today, not tethered to a memory.
I eat breakfast acting like I'm not thinking of your favorite foods and how I was learning to make them. The calender says September and I force myself to remember it's almost always been my favorite month.
He couldn't be less like the person that usually claims my dreams. But I'd rather dream about some Christian Music "has been" then waste dreams on things (people) I already know didn't think I was worth sharing dreams with. There I go again, slipping up... I'm trying, I promise... I'm trying to not refer everything back to him, not to rehash what happened last year, not to start hurting every few minutes. I'm trying not to let self pity make you hear one more story of my broken heart. I'm trying....
Every day I look at myself in the mirror and force myself to get past every thought that's written on my face...
I make myself pull on my clothes & close the bedroom door. I look out the window as I head down the stairs and I act like the changing of the seasons is mine today, not tethered to a memory.
I eat breakfast acting like I'm not thinking of your favorite foods and how I was learning to make them. The calender says September and I force myself to remember it's almost always been my favorite month.
I try to shove myself into work with the same passion I've always had, but the passion now only applies to the work on the desk and...wait, I would be lying to day that I don't have passion for my work, for the things I have spent my life learning to care about. I am devoted to changing something about this world, just enough to maybe allow someone else to re-think their ways of coping with the same pain's I know. If anything, that is one thing I am more sure of than before, I know now more than I ever have, that I do care about what I'm doing with my life.
So to say I'm trying is more than fair... I'm trying to be a better person, most times. I know more strongly than ever what I'm passionate about, I know I'm passionate about it because I'm willing to sacrifice greatly for it. I know I will get better someday because even though last night was a sequence of memories of you everywhere I turned, this morning I got up again, I didn't starve myself, I didn't cry, I haven't walked away and though I'm not always sure who I am right now, I know I must be someone, because I didn't lose myself in you.
How is it the ones who least deserve it often get the most...
Tears, time, effort, regret
And the ones who may deserve a little more spend so much on them.
That's my deep thought for today...
Other than that, aside from work I'm focused on drinking water, getting back in shape, telling my sister what I want on this birthday list she's making for me and making homemade peach ice cream.
Tell me you think the second paragraph deserves more time & heart than the first...
Tears, time, effort, regret
And the ones who may deserve a little more spend so much on them.
That's my deep thought for today...
Other than that, aside from work I'm focused on drinking water, getting back in shape, telling my sister what I want on this birthday list she's making for me and making homemade peach ice cream.
Tell me you think the second paragraph deserves more time & heart than the first...
untitled, unhealing, unforgiveness
I may have a mild concussion or maybe I don't,
either way my head hurts.
I smacked it against a wall, hard.
I think my head feels maybe one one hundredth of the steady throbbing
of my heart with the same barely visible bruising on the outer layer,
but an unhealing wound beneath
Earlier today while I was working
I had something to write about,
now I'm a bit of a mess with no easy clean up,
no way to know if this is pain or if it's just unforgiveness
of a person...
of a string of circumstance...
or of self
That's not anything that I want to say, it's just a jumble beneath the skin of my forehead,
it's just one beat out of thousands from my heart.
It's enough for tonight
either way my head hurts.
I smacked it against a wall, hard.
I think my head feels maybe one one hundredth of the steady throbbing
of my heart with the same barely visible bruising on the outer layer,
but an unhealing wound beneath
Earlier today while I was working
I had something to write about,
now I'm a bit of a mess with no easy clean up,
no way to know if this is pain or if it's just unforgiveness
of a person...
of a string of circumstance...
or of self
That's not anything that I want to say, it's just a jumble beneath the skin of my forehead,
it's just one beat out of thousands from my heart.
It's enough for tonight
An undetected peeling back of days
Today is predictably surer than tomorrow but only the past is sure
And even that...
Well, history repeats itself...As we spend most our time searching the re-run's for how we got here,
How we will repeat ourselves & the sin's of our Father's,
And by our Father's I mean the sin's of Adam, but mostly Eve.
Evening come's and mourning and the first day, always when we wake, no matter how deep a darkness from...
The day is almost always mostly new... except for what we bring to it in our hearts, in our pains & expectations
Wash off what you can, the dirty maybe, but keep the old
It makes you who you are, it probably makes you who you where meant to be,
It mostly makes you who you chose to be woven in and out of God's intricate lacing of days together making life
And even that...
Well, history repeats itself...As we spend most our time searching the re-run's for how we got here,
How we will repeat ourselves & the sin's of our Father's,
And by our Father's I mean the sin's of Adam, but mostly Eve.
Evening come's and mourning and the first day, always when we wake, no matter how deep a darkness from...
The day is almost always mostly new... except for what we bring to it in our hearts, in our pains & expectations
Wash off what you can, the dirty maybe, but keep the old
It makes you who you are, it probably makes you who you where meant to be,
It mostly makes you who you chose to be woven in and out of God's intricate lacing of days together making life
To blog or not to blog?
I think if I say anything at all I'll say far too much
I'd rather sit in silent hope, reassuring my fears that failed me only for a little while
I'd rather think what I feel & keep it private and composed in an unpublished notebook deep under my pillows
Some days it was worth it
Some days I know it isn't
I can't change a thing
I'd rather sit in silent hope, reassuring my fears that failed me only for a little while
I'd rather think what I feel & keep it private and composed in an unpublished notebook deep under my pillows
Some days it was worth it
Some days I know it isn't
I can't change a thing
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