2 O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,and you have healed me.
Without going into an in-depth detailed account of my heart at this moment. I would just like to make note that God, the creator of heaven and earth paused in his orchestration of time and space and universe to bend down and listen to me recently as I cried tears that wouldn't fall down the dust on my face... And begged God you know what I need, you see me and this and what got me here and what is yet to be... I need healing, I need you to heal me because it hasn't happened yet. I know, time heals & what doesn't make you bitter makes you better and pain is the risk in love.... But I have not healed and I need God to do what time won't.
God hears the things we can't explain and meets us where we are. He is doing that for me. After I asked for healing and Gods way of fixing me and my troubles, I went around a corner and there in front of me was one of the things I had to face, sitting there in my path as soon as I asked God for resolve. So I did the natural thing and drove past as fast as I could. Once I was out of sight I realized what I had done and realized that my fear stopped me. It was clear as day to me that I had asked for a solution and it was put immediately in front of me and I ran as fast as I could in the other direction. So that's awesome.
What's even better is, as clearly as I saw what I was doing, I realized I probably do that a lot with varying levels of significance. So the next few days my heart went thru the.wringer realizing my need for healing and how brilliantly I can sabotage it.
In the days following my speeding away from Gods answer to prayer I ended up spending some time with a friend. She's a beautiful woman, in every way and she needs healing in more obvious and important ways than I do. She's had cancer and I'm praying that its leaving her. While we wait for her diagnosis, I spent some time with her and as we talked I realized that for someone so talented, gifted and good maybe one of the beautiful things about her is, her gifts aren't anything super important to her. Her family, her son, the people around her are what's important. She's always been that way, even before she was sick.
Somewhere in the conversation we were talking about traveling. And she said she's realizing that now that she's been thru this she really has something to say. And I was sitting there thinking how much she has to give people, she has so much wisdom and God has given her understanding and now she has this story of battling this sickness on top of who she already is.
As we talked I found myself trying in my fumbling ways to tell her how important her gifts are, how vital her voice is, that she has something to say that needs to be heard and she doesn't need to let things stop her. As I hoped to convey this to her I laughed at myself, here I am, always afraid to be who I am. Sitting in front of someone who has so much to offer and is older than me so she has more living and wisdom behind her, and little me is wanting to convince her that her gifts make room for themself. That her voice needs to be heard. That her message isn't about her it's about the people who will hear it. Oh wait, I'm getting a glimpse into what I've been trying to learn all this time....
I used to be so self conscious and lacking in confidence I was afraid to get on a stage or sing or write or do almost anything. And the only thing that made me do it was when God clearly showed me it wasn't about me. My self was getting in the way, it was about something I had been given, gifts that could heal people or at least open the doors to the broken places that needed healing, if I had those gifts and wasn't getting on the stage I was wrong. I was wasting what I had.
I had to see it as selfishness before I could overcome it. It's fear, its not accepting that you could actually be used in as significant of a way as you're meant to be. As I saw someone older and wiser and (in my mind) far more equipped to change peoples lives than me, not fully realizing how important her role was. I sat back and waited for what I was supposed to learn from this because I didn't see how there was anything that I could give that could help her... I keep thinking about it, and though I have this hope that my little input might be encouraging. I think what I'm supposed to take away from it has more to do with not underestimating the little things. Not downplaying your gifts, not running from who you know you should be, to just be what you can be. Don't let life go by focused on the wrong things, or on creating a life for yourself, or pursuing a career that isn't your heart. Don't go to school to learn how to make the most money, go where you where made to go and make the most of it. Be who you are, live the life you have. It's all you've got. And you'll find the more you embrace it and accept it. You will not only be fulfilled you will be fulfilling others. This story is not complete, I am still a work in progress, but every story is about what it teaches us, above is part of what I'm learning from my friends story. Yet to be written is what I do with what I'm learning. My own healing is a process, but one part of it is realizing how important my heart is to God the verse at the top of this blog popped up on my phone in the midst of all these things in my heart. God cares enough to tell me He wants to help me, if I let him. I think this wraps up my Cornerstone blogging for this year, the rest will blend into my life from here. I probably have new things I'm aching to write about. As for this blog the story will have to be continued when I've finished making my Uturn.
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