Man In Black - Johnny Cash & Another Bedless Night
I'm still in one of the late nights involved in a 12+ hour travel day, we will make it where we are headed in Indiana in a while. I should have been using this ride to catch up on much needed sleep. But since my mind keeps challenging exhaustion to a race, what's one less hour of sleep?
I've had quite a few thoughts I wanted to write out this week, but I'm not sure how resolved any of them are.
One thing on the tip of my tongue... The problem of homelessness and the sad insensitivity of those of us that have a bed (well, I had one for a few nights...) towards those that don't. I'm probably prompted to keep this in mind by nights like this, where I miss my house and I grow to love every minute I can sleep in a bed instead of a vehicle. I'm sure being traveled has heightened my sensitivity and awareness of the needs of the poor. But its shocking to me how easy it is for well-fed people to forget the hungry.
This may seem like a tangent, I have to confess though, I feel a little provoked by the churches closed doors sometimes and the First United Christian Facebook Church world, where Christians along with everyone else can become detached from reality and do their part by reposting whatever Christian chain status is circulating, or mimic the appropriate political statement of the moment, or spend hours each week in online conversations with other Facebook addicted Christians who are often neglecting their real life, family friends and the needs of others to meet their own social needs, in an online social life we build for ourself. Wow, I'll climb off of that soapbox... But I rest my case, how we behave on Facebook reflects a lot on how we are elsewhere. This is a concern.
I started this blog about 2am Thursday Morning somewhere between South Carolina and Shipshewana, Indiana... But now after a long eventful weekend with the Amish and Mennonites, a Johnny Cash Tribute Band, hot pretzels, and a lot of running back and forth with my family between 6 concerts in 3 days while changing from overalls to suits and ties, listening to a lot of banjo, and getting standing ovation in a fancy lil theater and to make it all worthwhile a lot of good Bluegate pie... It's 2am Sunday, and I have to be awake for church in a few hours.
So many things I've been thinking and wanting to express are summed up well in the words of this song by a wiser man than me, Mister Johnny Cash...
"Man In Black"
Well, you wonder why I always dress in black,
Why you never see bright colors on my back,
And why does my appearance seem to have a somber tone.
Well, there's a reason for the things that I have on.
I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down,
Livin' in the hopeless, hungry side of town,
I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime,
But is there because he's a victim of the times.
I wear the black for those who never read,
Or listened to the words that Jesus said,
About the road to happiness through love and charity,
Why, you'd think He's talking straight to you and me.
Well, we're doin' mighty fine, I do suppose,
In our streak of lightnin' cars and fancy clothes,
But just so we're reminded of the ones who are held back,
Up front there ought 'a be a Man In Black.
I wear it for the sick and lonely old,
For the reckless ones whose bad trip left them cold,
I wear the black in mournin' for the lives that could have been,
Each week we lose a hundred fine young men.
And, I wear it for the thousands who have died,
Believen' that the Lord was on their side,
I wear it for another hundred thousand who have died,
Believen' that we all were on their side.
Well, there's things that never will be right I know,
And things need changin' everywhere you go,
But 'til we start to make a move to make a few things right,
You'll never see me wear a suit of white.
Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Till things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black.
I've had quite a few thoughts I wanted to write out this week, but I'm not sure how resolved any of them are.
One thing on the tip of my tongue... The problem of homelessness and the sad insensitivity of those of us that have a bed (well, I had one for a few nights...) towards those that don't. I'm probably prompted to keep this in mind by nights like this, where I miss my house and I grow to love every minute I can sleep in a bed instead of a vehicle. I'm sure being traveled has heightened my sensitivity and awareness of the needs of the poor. But its shocking to me how easy it is for well-fed people to forget the hungry.
This may seem like a tangent, I have to confess though, I feel a little provoked by the churches closed doors sometimes and the First United Christian Facebook Church world, where Christians along with everyone else can become detached from reality and do their part by reposting whatever Christian chain status is circulating, or mimic the appropriate political statement of the moment, or spend hours each week in online conversations with other Facebook addicted Christians who are often neglecting their real life, family friends and the needs of others to meet their own social needs, in an online social life we build for ourself. Wow, I'll climb off of that soapbox... But I rest my case, how we behave on Facebook reflects a lot on how we are elsewhere. This is a concern.
I started this blog about 2am Thursday Morning somewhere between South Carolina and Shipshewana, Indiana... But now after a long eventful weekend with the Amish and Mennonites, a Johnny Cash Tribute Band, hot pretzels, and a lot of running back and forth with my family between 6 concerts in 3 days while changing from overalls to suits and ties, listening to a lot of banjo, and getting standing ovation in a fancy lil theater and to make it all worthwhile a lot of good Bluegate pie... It's 2am Sunday, and I have to be awake for church in a few hours.
So many things I've been thinking and wanting to express are summed up well in the words of this song by a wiser man than me, Mister Johnny Cash...
"Man In Black"
Well, you wonder why I always dress in black,
Why you never see bright colors on my back,
And why does my appearance seem to have a somber tone.
Well, there's a reason for the things that I have on.
I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down,
Livin' in the hopeless, hungry side of town,
I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime,
But is there because he's a victim of the times.
I wear the black for those who never read,
Or listened to the words that Jesus said,
About the road to happiness through love and charity,
Why, you'd think He's talking straight to you and me.
Well, we're doin' mighty fine, I do suppose,
In our streak of lightnin' cars and fancy clothes,
But just so we're reminded of the ones who are held back,
Up front there ought 'a be a Man In Black.
I wear it for the sick and lonely old,
For the reckless ones whose bad trip left them cold,
I wear the black in mournin' for the lives that could have been,
Each week we lose a hundred fine young men.
And, I wear it for the thousands who have died,
Believen' that the Lord was on their side,
I wear it for another hundred thousand who have died,
Believen' that we all were on their side.
Well, there's things that never will be right I know,
And things need changin' everywhere you go,
But 'til we start to make a move to make a few things right,
You'll never see me wear a suit of white.
Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Till things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black.
The Birth Day or The Morning After
The morning after your birthday, no matter how significant it is or isn't in the age ladder. No matter how much of an emotional milestone it may be to you. You have to get up and start over... No matter if your last night was up or down, whether you have a fear of getting older or more likely were wrestling the thoughts of what you have and have not done by this date on the calendar. Apparently in the grand scheme of things dates and age are neither here nor there. It doesn't matter if you are 15 when you make an impact on the world or 25 or 35 or 45, what matters is the impact. What matters is getting up the morning after that day has passed and doing something with it. Never mind that you just suffered through that great landmark that will bring, unbidden, memories that you want, or that you want to get away from. It's all there. The good and the painful. You will face, evaluate, reminisce, value, examine, wrestle, regret, cherish, maybe even long to destroy... But times stamp, and receipt of where you've been thus far, remains.
Whether celebrating the day of your birth, the death of someone, or some thing's death, or whether you're just over analyzing and contemplative, trying to sort out where you are and why. It's all just time, it's only days and history that have passed you, not all your chances. Each day is a chance... If we'll take it. Each morning is a choice, every time your feet hit the ground, you have to choose where they'll walk & how your pages in history are written. When you stop counting by years, regrets, missed opportunities and what was or might have been. You'll start to find the comfort the morning after can bring. And the hope, not only in the future, but in your present. Suddenly, what you have behind you in experience, is a wealth of wisdom to build off of. And this morning is more than livable, it's what you'll continue making the most of, whether you've had plans of changing the world since your 5th birthday or if it just started today when you realized this morning is your chance.
Whether celebrating the day of your birth, the death of someone, or some thing's death, or whether you're just over analyzing and contemplative, trying to sort out where you are and why. It's all just time, it's only days and history that have passed you, not all your chances. Each day is a chance... If we'll take it. Each morning is a choice, every time your feet hit the ground, you have to choose where they'll walk & how your pages in history are written. When you stop counting by years, regrets, missed opportunities and what was or might have been. You'll start to find the comfort the morning after can bring. And the hope, not only in the future, but in your present. Suddenly, what you have behind you in experience, is a wealth of wisdom to build off of. And this morning is more than livable, it's what you'll continue making the most of, whether you've had plans of changing the world since your 5th birthday or if it just started today when you realized this morning is your chance.
You asked for it...: Danieles Birthday
Jessica's Thoughts on my birthday....
You asked for it...: Danieles Birthday: I have found my calling in life, it is to supply perfect costume ideas for any and all people based on book characters. ITs the most fun I'v...
You asked for it...: Danieles Birthday: I have found my calling in life, it is to supply perfect costume ideas for any and all people based on book characters. ITs the most fun I'v...
You asked for it...: Oh Irene...
You asked for it...: Oh Irene...: The thing is, there are these amazing waves all up the beach probably because of the hurricane or whatever. Last night Michal, Faith and I ...
It's all quite angular
One could only assume, that everyone has an angle
If you live long enough, every paradox will convince you
Geometry is not the only proof, all things are congruous, consistent
Loves trappings are innumerable, we don’t have to concede
If there ever is a life where I am completely happy, or content
It will be in the acceptance that all imperfections work for the good
Some nights I find that world, in dark blue skies as stars rise
I have always found it in the ocean, in trees, in seasons, in trust
I am not ashamed of how many times trust has been broken
It brings more character, makes me look innocent, frees the betrayer
Soon, I’ll learn to speak plainly, truth will be the only angle
The unsaid will no longer bring disconnect but completion
Things are according to plan, if we let hindsight work in us
I interrupt this broadcast to bring you Carl Sandburg
All day long in fog and wind,
The waves have flung their beating crests
Against the palisades of adamant.
My boy, he went to sea, long and long ago,
Curls of brown were slipping underneath his cap,
He looked at me from blue and steely eyes;
Natty, straight and true, he stepped away,
My boy, he went to sea.
All day long in fog and wind,
The waves have flung their beating crests
Against the palisades of adamant.
The waves have flung their beating crests
Against the palisades of adamant.
My boy, he went to sea, long and long ago,
Curls of brown were slipping underneath his cap,
He looked at me from blue and steely eyes;
Natty, straight and true, he stepped away,
My boy, he went to sea.
All day long in fog and wind,
The waves have flung their beating crests
Against the palisades of adamant.
Shake me I'm holding
Stifle me, before I let go
I've been living too long off of the old
Things you left, things you opened
All you possibly never intended to finish
When I'm better I'm my own woman
Sinking in memory I'm human
Recalling your best I'm caught again
Knowing your faults, too compassionate
Even brick driveways have their cracks
All breathtaking joy has a drawback
Love promises pain, signs away your rights
hopes and dreams, into equally broken hands
What little I know when wisdom is called for
What intellect lacks understanding swallows
You're a pinpoint of light, a garland, but not a sun
I'll wish I was yours while knowing I am safer not
I've been living too long off of the old
Things you left, things you opened
All you possibly never intended to finish
When I'm better I'm my own woman
Sinking in memory I'm human
Recalling your best I'm caught again
Knowing your faults, too compassionate
Even brick driveways have their cracks
All breathtaking joy has a drawback
Love promises pain, signs away your rights
hopes and dreams, into equally broken hands
What little I know when wisdom is called for
What intellect lacks understanding swallows
You're a pinpoint of light, a garland, but not a sun
I'll wish I was yours while knowing I am safer not
Wounded Knee
As I'm coming to the end of Summer, to summarize some of my thoughts on the last part of this trip, one subject was on my heart a lot, and my mind. Sometimes a song, a phrase, a lapse into the poetic cover more than an essay would. I can't give you compassion, knowledge or understanding of things that may have to be experienced for yourself. But I can try...
A refresher,
A history lesson for you,
A true story
A refresher,
A history lesson for you,
A true story
Wounded Knee
I took a drive, out on Two, out to Wounded Knee last night,
I didn’t cry but I was hurt and I was broke in circles,
I wasn’t lost I tried to find, where we lost our way and life…
I took a rock from the foot of an old grave there,
to fill a hole I just found in our race where the blood leaks out,
a loss of blood a loss of truth, a loss of who we are, who are we?
I found a path thru the dark, down to open spaces,
It was cold and it was dry and it was full of mud and lies,
just behind a line where many names where signed, where many children died…
Hey Jah... (the Lakota name for God)
This is just a song I wrote during some of my time on Native American reservations and following the trail of tears, studying the history, the injustice & generational oppression over the years. I can't put into words the emotions, the bloodshed, the heartbreak, the hopelessness & the horrible poverty that make up the full color version of the stories, but someone has to start somewhere
Broken bread and poured out wine
Hello from Sunny Florida,
I promise its not much hotter here than in the Midwest. I would know, I traveled all Summer looking for cooler weather. So I have some thoughts to blog, much to process from the Summer... but this morning I give you this...
This is an excerpt from My Utmost For His Highest... I know the date is off, but it feels appropriate right now.
Read the whole thing if you will, but this is the part that always resonates with me.
"Our Lord never dictated to His Father, and we are not here to dictate to God; we are here to submit to His will so that He may work through us what He wants. When we realize this, He will make us broken bread and poured out wine to feed and nourish others."
May 15th.
The HABIT of RISING to the OCCASION "That ye may know what is the hope of His calling . . ." Ephesians 1:18 Remember what you are saved for -that the Son of God might be manifested in your mortal flesh. Bend the whole energy of your powers to realize your election as a child of God; rise to the occasion every time. You cannot do anything for your salvation, but you must do something to manifest it, you must work out what God has worked in. Are you working it out with your tongue, and your brain and your nerves? If you are still the same miserable crosspatch, set on your own way, then it is a lie to say that God has saved and sanctified you. God is the Master Engineer, He allows the difficulties to come in order to see if you can vault over them properly -"By my God have I leaped over a wall." God will never shield you from any of the requirements of a son or daughter of His. Peter says -"Think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you." Rise to the occasion; do the thing. It does not matter how it hurts as long as it gives God the chance to manifest Him self in your mortal flesh. May God not find the whine in us any more, but may He find us full of spiritual pluck and athleticism, ready to face anything He brings. We have to exercise ourselves in order that the Son of God may be manifested in our mortal flesh. God never has museums. The only aim of the life is that the Son of God may be manifested, and all dictation to God vanishes. Our Lord never dictated to His Father, and we are not here to dictate to God; we are here to submit to His will so that He may work through us what He wants. When we realize this, He will make us broken bread and poured out wine to feed and nourish others.
I promise its not much hotter here than in the Midwest. I would know, I traveled all Summer looking for cooler weather. So I have some thoughts to blog, much to process from the Summer... but this morning I give you this...
This is an excerpt from My Utmost For His Highest... I know the date is off, but it feels appropriate right now.
Read the whole thing if you will, but this is the part that always resonates with me.
"Our Lord never dictated to His Father, and we are not here to dictate to God; we are here to submit to His will so that He may work through us what He wants. When we realize this, He will make us broken bread and poured out wine to feed and nourish others."
May 15th.
The HABIT of RISING to the OCCASION "That ye may know what is the hope of His calling . . ." Ephesians 1:18 Remember what you are saved for -that the Son of God might be manifested in your mortal flesh. Bend the whole energy of your powers to realize your election as a child of God; rise to the occasion every time. You cannot do anything for your salvation, but you must do something to manifest it, you must work out what God has worked in. Are you working it out with your tongue, and your brain and your nerves? If you are still the same miserable crosspatch, set on your own way, then it is a lie to say that God has saved and sanctified you. God is the Master Engineer, He allows the difficulties to come in order to see if you can vault over them properly -"By my God have I leaped over a wall." God will never shield you from any of the requirements of a son or daughter of His. Peter says -"Think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you." Rise to the occasion; do the thing. It does not matter how it hurts as long as it gives God the chance to manifest Him self in your mortal flesh. May God not find the whine in us any more, but may He find us full of spiritual pluck and athleticism, ready to face anything He brings. We have to exercise ourselves in order that the Son of God may be manifested in our mortal flesh. God never has museums. The only aim of the life is that the Son of God may be manifested, and all dictation to God vanishes. Our Lord never dictated to His Father, and we are not here to dictate to God; we are here to submit to His will so that He may work through us what He wants. When we realize this, He will make us broken bread and poured out wine to feed and nourish others.
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Dear Chicago, The best is yet to come
En route from Chicago to Amish Country
I'm laying in my van seat/bed/dressing room, leaving Chicago for a quick 3 hour drive to the church we play in Indiana in the morning. I feel sick, borderline exhausted and I know that though the audience appreciated it, tonight was not my best.
So many things are running thru me right now, last night at this time we were leaving western Minnesota, a few hours into what should have been a 10 hour trip one of our back tires blew out. Just after 4am we got the van parked at a Walmart, slept until the tire center opened and then all piled out of the bus and into the store for a 7am Tour de Walmart, which started with a bathroom stop and ended with Jess, Ben and me laying in a row on the bottom shelf of cushions in the furniture department falling asleep.
We did get our tires drivable and eventually made it to Chicago, from whence we are now departing, all too soon...
As I'm leaving the windy, dirty, beautiful, crime filled, history laden city. It brings up my history with it, and I try to keep my eyes dry...
My heart is too often on my sleeve these days, but I have stopped making apologies for it.
Three years ago almost to the day I started falling in love with my best friend, right here...
Chicago, look at what you started and didn't finish.
All that is in the past, but history being behind us doesn't delete it, it seems to concentrate it. We seem to marinate in mixtures of everything that was, what got us here and what it did to us. Which only makes the present more potent, not unbearably so, just richer... piling on the memories and emotions don't make for something light. But the stronger I grow the easier I digest, its true that struggle makes you stronger... But I keep feeling this whole falling in love, loving and losing, learning what love is thru pain thing...I keep thinking its run its course. I keep hoping there was a master plan behind truly loving (the "more than you love yourself" version) and having to let go, besides just teaching me a lesson.
I'm a good reader, there has to be better ways to learn lessons... And if it is a lesson, Dear God, let it make sense now instead of unraveling after another few years of letting go... These things are all layered in here, rolling around, half thoughts, half prayers...
Speaking of prayers, I spent part of last week at a conference surrounded by artists & musicians part of me was in heaven and part of me felt like I kept myself a little removed at first, unwilling to mingle, unconsciously preserving myself from being involved with more people that could let me down and vice versa, mostly vice versa... Because while I was there, as I watched other people step out of their fear and their comfort zones into what God had made them for. I came away with many lessons. One, that God wants me to stop trying so hard and just to be.
Two, As I've been talking to a painter friend a lot lately we've covered a lot of insecurity, and other traits of our birthrights as oldest children... As she talked about making a mistake in a painting and how now she doesn't know where to go from here with it. I saw so many of my life choices mirrored in our conversation, and my motivation for not doing things, painting, improvising, writing, loving... things that have repurcussions, things you can't just back out of once a mark has been made.
And last but not least I spent time thanking God for loving me where I am, and wanting to learn how to fully love others where they are, not where they could be, or where I hope they'll go, not at a distance, not with expectations... All of those things are things God is perpetually teaching me, breathing into me day by day, time after painful time. And its not a bad thing. As I'm writing this, as I'm driving away from Chicago, as I've been processing the final stages of grieving the loss of a love I had to let go of... I know without any look even to the future or what may still come of it, how many more ways I can be shaped by it. I know that each pain increases my compassion, each ripping break to my heart, deepens my sympathy, every tear sharpens my understanding and this deep, "wanting the best for someone else at your own expense" kind of, grown up love. Loving like a woman, loving like a human, loving like a little piece of what God has for me broadens my wisdom. It isn't just about me, or about me and him, its always about Christ and Him crucified, its always about the perfect unfailing love that is God. Life is about understanding His love for us, its intricacies and pains. If my small human heart and soul can live and beat and break and go on loving someone else like this when they don't even understand the love was there wanting the best all along... What does the maker of love, the beginning and end of all love, feel for me, as I am, when I don't even know it. The more I know love the closer I am to God... Thanking Him for loving me, for how he loves me. Not who I hope to be, not an image of me, not his version of me, knowing all of me He loves me right here. And that should be enough.
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When words aren't enough pictures take over
Detroit Lakes, MN at Experience Church - The Perfect Place for Imperfect People
Ottertail, MN at The Creamery during The Summer Gathering with Fire Starters, Travis & Jenna Vaad and others
Chicago, IL at Risen Savior Assemblies Fatcalf Cafe - with old friends and new
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Black Hills and Good Times :: This week in pictures
Speaking of unique, I should sleep while I can. Our current abode is a Walmart parking lot near the church we play in the morning...that's right... Home sweet, sleeping in the van. The rock and roll dream, a sacred, sacrificial life in the mission field, the ever glamorous road life...
As I'm writing this, I prop my feet across the aisle on mine and Michals rubbermaid tub to try to fall asleep, my body aches, I'm exhausted, I've alternated sleeping on many variations of floor the last few weeks and I would love a long, hot shower. But all that's been mattering to me lately, what I keep thinking is I have such a rich life. In little and in much, in the trying times and whatever is between the trying times... The providence, the faithfulness, the goodness of God is never failing. Especially now.
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The Intervening Distance
I'm a rainy Monday, when the world is new
When Christ is new in me,
When the old is left undone
I'm not your grieving Father,
I'm not the break in your broken home
I'm not too silent but you should be speaking
I'm the intervening distance
The colors always yellow and the clocks always at three
Sometimes you're never lonely
Sometimes you eat, you drink and you breathe
I'm a kitchen table and a shelter in your storm
If you let me be your window
I'll make my love your world
But I'm not your grieving Father
I'm not the break in your broken home
I'm not too silent but you should be speaking
I'm the intervening distance
When Christ is new in me,
When the old is left undone
I'm not your grieving Father,
I'm not the break in your broken home
I'm not too silent but you should be speaking
I'm the intervening distance
The colors always yellow and the clocks always at three
Sometimes you're never lonely
Sometimes you eat, you drink and you breathe
I'm a kitchen table and a shelter in your storm
If you let me be your window
I'll make my love your world
But I'm not your grieving Father
I'm not the break in your broken home
I'm not too silent but you should be speaking
I'm the intervening distance
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Devil's Tower
I realized today that I have not in any way imagined or exaggerated my fear of heights.
Somehow despite my lifelong dreams of being a rock climber, despite practicing to be a gymnast on monkey bars & in huge oak trees from an early age, despite trying to act like one of the guys climbing scaffolding & ladders and roofing... Despite all this and more there came a point when I realized, I am a little bit afraid of heights... I don't know if it was while climbing on a speaker on top of scaffolding to attach a stage light, or while waiting in line for a roller coaster, or while on a 3 story scaffold tying to seal the outside of our house. (Actually that time was pretty clear when I froze halfway between standing and kneeling because I was suddenly paralyzed, looking 3 stories down thru the cracks in the 12 inch board I was standing on, I literally couldn't move even to kneel down and calm myself I froze there shaking for so long I thought someone would have to call in a crew with a helicopter to pick me up and carry me off.)
I didn't mean to be afraid, I know I shouldn't be, but the fact remains I am, very much so....
As proven again today by the fact that I blithely started out up the boulders that make up the base of Devils Tower. My brother and sister where with me, before too long my brother was out of sight, Jess stayed with me, until she turned around to see where I was and found me plastered to a rock, flat on my stomach unable to move. Every part of my brain was saying climb, except that one part that was saying oh my gosh you're way up in the air, and its steep. The thing is I don't remember my brain saying that, I just felt it. So much fear I was trembling and couldn't do anything but stay pasted against the rock until I got some sense back.
Honestly I'm ashamed to admit I was afraid. I don't like looking stupid and I further dislike looking weak. Or feeling weak for that matter...
My sister and I talked my way eventually up the mountain, I genuinely wanted to enjoy it. I've always liked climbing and further liked the idea of serious climbing... I wanted to be one of those climbers scaling that tower today but instead, I get a hundred feet off the ground and look to see how amazing this place is and I collapse, unable to make myself move. It's not funny or nice.
As I kept climbing I started mentally praying and I found myself saying in the same way that last week I prayed God heal me, God heal me because I don't know how to heal myself, I don't know what I need... I felt myself begging God to make me not this way anymore.
I don't know when or if my equilibrium and mind and emotions will all settle completely down about how far off the ground I am. But I know that I have been getting lots of practice with pushing thru and doing things that scare me and intimidate me, even things that I love and have always dreamed of. But I collapse 1/3 of the way into it, after marching boldly that far I find myself plastered to a rock wanting to cry but mostly just trying to find how to force myself to go on.
The answer I'm finding is to keep trying. And to know yourself, know your fears, know what holds you back and where you hold yourself back. Be honest with god about it. Sure He already knows but you need to say it out loud. And whether the fear lifts or not just focus on the one step right in front of you that has to be taken. Some of my fear is just fear, some is being out of control. If I narrow my vision a little, I know we are supposed to expand our horizons, but sometimes its too much. To expand we have to condense our view to a single point, a guiding light, a still small voice, the next step. It's suddenly faith, its belief that if I surrender all, I'm carrying less and I just have to move... And I'm less overwhelmed with the vastness of it all.
I doubt you're afraid of heights and climbing Devils Tower may not matter to you. But it mattered to me, because each step was faith and healing and years of wisdom running through my head, coursing thru my veins, sealing in my heart, climbing over rocks, scaling mountains and really living life...
Today was a very good day.
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The Sixth Of July
In quietness I ride on the forefront of a great transformation
With my need for healing and my long burning embers
I beg in a silence of sorts for a savior,
When we want too much we can miss what we need
Casting it off as if a binding hindrance
But a few years on in living brings us to peaces doorstep
And we see what we lost, what we needed was on it
I feel I was the hinges to your door and without movement you grow quiet
Baptisms clean what confession only teaches and redemption will seal what you let mercy start.
Last night I saw myself clearly on the side of the road and in our old haunts
I've wrestled with fear, regret and wisdom
And at the end of it all love won't be denied
I can't have answers if I don't question
Broke down and wounded I let Jesus find me
My one prayer for you is always mercy
Though your method for me was a silent vengeance
.
With my need for healing and my long burning embers
I beg in a silence of sorts for a savior,
When we want too much we can miss what we need
Casting it off as if a binding hindrance
But a few years on in living brings us to peaces doorstep
And we see what we lost, what we needed was on it
I feel I was the hinges to your door and without movement you grow quiet
Baptisms clean what confession only teaches and redemption will seal what you let mercy start.
Last night I saw myself clearly on the side of the road and in our old haunts
I've wrestled with fear, regret and wisdom
And at the end of it all love won't be denied
I can't have answers if I don't question
Broke down and wounded I let Jesus find me
My one prayer for you is always mercy
Though your method for me was a silent vengeance
.
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The Hills are Alive...
But here are some of the highlights of this gigantic free festival: We got to sing for 2 hours each day under the shade of a warm stuffy tent in 100 degree heat, that was priceless. No really we were glad to, we just didn't know if we were going to melt, once that was settled with liquids we made it... No seriously it was good to be a part of something we believe in that others are trying to do. A free Christian event with a minimum of 30,000 attendees is a good thing.
Other highlights include, sitting in a large air conditioned theater with my siblings and hundreds of others who like us sang along with all of the Veggietales. It was like a choir of angels made up of children, vegetables, parents and the misfits who had no children but still watch Veggietales premieres.
Also, there were a few bands I made note of, Abandon, House of Heroes, Flatfoot 56 and Emery. Emery I have somehow never seen live until this week and I have to say, they are really saying good things to the kids that need to hear them. I was impressed.
Last but not least the festival closed out with Third Day on the mainstage, I know, I know my friends won't think I'm hip if I nod to Third Day. But it wasn't Third Days ability to hold a crowd after all these years, I mean they are getting old kids, they're probably almost 40.... It wasn't the fact that despite my studied avoidance of mainstream Big old bands I still mouth the words "Don't you know I've always loved you, even before there was time..." Along with thousands of others around me... It wasn't that I remember a time when Third Day was a young, on fire, anointed band who put on a solid rock concert that would move anyone, and was really one of the more gripping, dramatic concerts in their genre. It wasn't that that kept me from dismissing them and cynically writing them off, as one of those bands that overcharges everyone then comes and does one free festival and thinks that covers their charity offering. I could do that. But I tried to keep my cynicism in check. Because I watched them in their show try to raise up a young artist that had something to say. His name was Trevor Morgan and he played this song about Jesus Riding a Subway and I thought to myself, even though it could just be a gimmick to make this rich band seem like they have a heart for the poor. I'm going to get past my cynical mind that agrees with my hip, informed friends that know better than to go easy on anyone.... I watched myself battle that night to not let my intellect always put people down, not judge by appearances, to sometimes believe the best and found myself saying by the end of the night that no matter what goes on behind the scenes they are getting a message out to people. Maybe it is a gimmick to them. But to the people listening it was real...
Jesus rides the subway With the hustlers and the creeps He rubs shoulders with the thieves And he looks a lot like everyone he sees Jesus rides the subway While the pretty people sleep and he says...
You can lay your burden down Oh maybe you've been kicked around But you can lay your burden down Jesus strolls the sidewalks On the wrong side of the tracks....
I find myself stepping back off my judgmental highhorse where while I've been busy serving God, feeding the poor, becoming poor myself to reach the poor, taking up the cause of the downtrodden before there's a t-shirt or a movement for it, trying to love, serve and sacrifice in meager attempts to be like Jesus... I realize I can be in danger of falling prey to hypocrisy... I so want people to know and understand who and what Jesus is but I get cranky and skeptical because I've seen so many people get rich off causes, I've seen people stand on the backs of the poor raking in cash and fame, while saying they're raising money for the poor, or a cause that they don't even make a dent in, all in the name of God. I hate that. So I've developed a series of walls and cynicisms that anyone who lives a life of service can probably relate to.
I was convicted and as I stood there singing Rich Mullins Creed at the end of the night, I was going a little easier on the stereotypical middle class American Christians around me. I had a renewed compassion and love that I needed to remember.
In the meantime the hills were alive....with the sound of music.
Haha, cheesiest closing line ever :)
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True Love... Counts?
If you weren't such an even number
I think doors would close more smoothly,
I think the little things wouldn't count so much
I think everything would add up
instead of distracting
Time should heal instead of taking away... from me
And if love multiplys does hate divide or was it just distance?
I think we're equally hurt, even though we weren't equally awake
If we were a slightly odd number I wouldn't still be counting days
I think doors would close more smoothly,
I think the little things wouldn't count so much
I think everything would add up
instead of distracting
Time should heal instead of taking away... from me
And if love multiplys does hate divide or was it just distance?
I think we're equally hurt, even though we weren't equally awake
If we were a slightly odd number I wouldn't still be counting days
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Healing in the dust (5-the Cornerstone saga)
Psalm 30:2
2 O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,and you have healed me.
Without going into an in-depth detailed account of my heart at this moment. I would just like to make note that God, the creator of heaven and earth paused in his orchestration of time and space and universe to bend down and listen to me recently as I cried tears that wouldn't fall down the dust on my face... And begged God you know what I need, you see me and this and what got me here and what is yet to be... I need healing, I need you to heal me because it hasn't happened yet. I know, time heals & what doesn't make you bitter makes you better and pain is the risk in love.... But I have not healed and I need God to do what time won't.
God hears the things we can't explain and meets us where we are. He is doing that for me. After I asked for healing and Gods way of fixing me and my troubles, I went around a corner and there in front of me was one of the things I had to face, sitting there in my path as soon as I asked God for resolve. So I did the natural thing and drove past as fast as I could. Once I was out of sight I realized what I had done and realized that my fear stopped me. It was clear as day to me that I had asked for a solution and it was put immediately in front of me and I ran as fast as I could in the other direction. So that's awesome.
What's even better is, as clearly as I saw what I was doing, I realized I probably do that a lot with varying levels of significance. So the next few days my heart went thru the.wringer realizing my need for healing and how brilliantly I can sabotage it.
In the days following my speeding away from Gods answer to prayer I ended up spending some time with a friend. She's a beautiful woman, in every way and she needs healing in more obvious and important ways than I do. She's had cancer and I'm praying that its leaving her. While we wait for her diagnosis, I spent some time with her and as we talked I realized that for someone so talented, gifted and good maybe one of the beautiful things about her is, her gifts aren't anything super important to her. Her family, her son, the people around her are what's important. She's always been that way, even before she was sick.
Somewhere in the conversation we were talking about traveling. And she said she's realizing that now that she's been thru this she really has something to say. And I was sitting there thinking how much she has to give people, she has so much wisdom and God has given her understanding and now she has this story of battling this sickness on top of who she already is.
As we talked I found myself trying in my fumbling ways to tell her how important her gifts are, how vital her voice is, that she has something to say that needs to be heard and she doesn't need to let things stop her. As I hoped to convey this to her I laughed at myself, here I am, always afraid to be who I am. Sitting in front of someone who has so much to offer and is older than me so she has more living and wisdom behind her, and little me is wanting to convince her that her gifts make room for themself. That her voice needs to be heard. That her message isn't about her it's about the people who will hear it. Oh wait, I'm getting a glimpse into what I've been trying to learn all this time....
I used to be so self conscious and lacking in confidence I was afraid to get on a stage or sing or write or do almost anything. And the only thing that made me do it was when God clearly showed me it wasn't about me. My self was getting in the way, it was about something I had been given, gifts that could heal people or at least open the doors to the broken places that needed healing, if I had those gifts and wasn't getting on the stage I was wrong. I was wasting what I had.
I had to see it as selfishness before I could overcome it. It's fear, its not accepting that you could actually be used in as significant of a way as you're meant to be. As I saw someone older and wiser and (in my mind) far more equipped to change peoples lives than me, not fully realizing how important her role was. I sat back and waited for what I was supposed to learn from this because I didn't see how there was anything that I could give that could help her... I keep thinking about it, and though I have this hope that my little input might be encouraging. I think what I'm supposed to take away from it has more to do with not underestimating the little things. Not downplaying your gifts, not running from who you know you should be, to just be what you can be. Don't let life go by focused on the wrong things, or on creating a life for yourself, or pursuing a career that isn't your heart. Don't go to school to learn how to make the most money, go where you where made to go and make the most of it. Be who you are, live the life you have. It's all you've got. And you'll find the more you embrace it and accept it. You will not only be fulfilled you will be fulfilling others. This story is not complete, I am still a work in progress, but every story is about what it teaches us, above is part of what I'm learning from my friends story. Yet to be written is what I do with what I'm learning. My own healing is a process, but one part of it is realizing how important my heart is to God the verse at the top of this blog popped up on my phone in the midst of all these things in my heart. God cares enough to tell me He wants to help me, if I let him. I think this wraps up my Cornerstone blogging for this year, the rest will blend into my life from here. I probably have new things I'm aching to write about. As for this blog the story will have to be continued when I've finished making my Uturn.
2 O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,and you have healed me.
Without going into an in-depth detailed account of my heart at this moment. I would just like to make note that God, the creator of heaven and earth paused in his orchestration of time and space and universe to bend down and listen to me recently as I cried tears that wouldn't fall down the dust on my face... And begged God you know what I need, you see me and this and what got me here and what is yet to be... I need healing, I need you to heal me because it hasn't happened yet. I know, time heals & what doesn't make you bitter makes you better and pain is the risk in love.... But I have not healed and I need God to do what time won't.
God hears the things we can't explain and meets us where we are. He is doing that for me. After I asked for healing and Gods way of fixing me and my troubles, I went around a corner and there in front of me was one of the things I had to face, sitting there in my path as soon as I asked God for resolve. So I did the natural thing and drove past as fast as I could. Once I was out of sight I realized what I had done and realized that my fear stopped me. It was clear as day to me that I had asked for a solution and it was put immediately in front of me and I ran as fast as I could in the other direction. So that's awesome.
What's even better is, as clearly as I saw what I was doing, I realized I probably do that a lot with varying levels of significance. So the next few days my heart went thru the.wringer realizing my need for healing and how brilliantly I can sabotage it.
In the days following my speeding away from Gods answer to prayer I ended up spending some time with a friend. She's a beautiful woman, in every way and she needs healing in more obvious and important ways than I do. She's had cancer and I'm praying that its leaving her. While we wait for her diagnosis, I spent some time with her and as we talked I realized that for someone so talented, gifted and good maybe one of the beautiful things about her is, her gifts aren't anything super important to her. Her family, her son, the people around her are what's important. She's always been that way, even before she was sick.
Somewhere in the conversation we were talking about traveling. And she said she's realizing that now that she's been thru this she really has something to say. And I was sitting there thinking how much she has to give people, she has so much wisdom and God has given her understanding and now she has this story of battling this sickness on top of who she already is.
As we talked I found myself trying in my fumbling ways to tell her how important her gifts are, how vital her voice is, that she has something to say that needs to be heard and she doesn't need to let things stop her. As I hoped to convey this to her I laughed at myself, here I am, always afraid to be who I am. Sitting in front of someone who has so much to offer and is older than me so she has more living and wisdom behind her, and little me is wanting to convince her that her gifts make room for themself. That her voice needs to be heard. That her message isn't about her it's about the people who will hear it. Oh wait, I'm getting a glimpse into what I've been trying to learn all this time....
I used to be so self conscious and lacking in confidence I was afraid to get on a stage or sing or write or do almost anything. And the only thing that made me do it was when God clearly showed me it wasn't about me. My self was getting in the way, it was about something I had been given, gifts that could heal people or at least open the doors to the broken places that needed healing, if I had those gifts and wasn't getting on the stage I was wrong. I was wasting what I had.
I had to see it as selfishness before I could overcome it. It's fear, its not accepting that you could actually be used in as significant of a way as you're meant to be. As I saw someone older and wiser and (in my mind) far more equipped to change peoples lives than me, not fully realizing how important her role was. I sat back and waited for what I was supposed to learn from this because I didn't see how there was anything that I could give that could help her... I keep thinking about it, and though I have this hope that my little input might be encouraging. I think what I'm supposed to take away from it has more to do with not underestimating the little things. Not downplaying your gifts, not running from who you know you should be, to just be what you can be. Don't let life go by focused on the wrong things, or on creating a life for yourself, or pursuing a career that isn't your heart. Don't go to school to learn how to make the most money, go where you where made to go and make the most of it. Be who you are, live the life you have. It's all you've got. And you'll find the more you embrace it and accept it. You will not only be fulfilled you will be fulfilling others. This story is not complete, I am still a work in progress, but every story is about what it teaches us, above is part of what I'm learning from my friends story. Yet to be written is what I do with what I'm learning. My own healing is a process, but one part of it is realizing how important my heart is to God the verse at the top of this blog popped up on my phone in the midst of all these things in my heart. God cares enough to tell me He wants to help me, if I let him. I think this wraps up my Cornerstone blogging for this year, the rest will blend into my life from here. I probably have new things I'm aching to write about. As for this blog the story will have to be continued when I've finished making my Uturn.
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Well, I've been afraid of changes... Cornerstone part 4
To preface what I'm writing about you should know, this year started out with me, along with my family asking God where He wanted us this year, laying our travel, festival, music, business and all other plans on the alter, preparing ourselves to make the necessary changes to go where He wanted us and only there, even if that meant, we were supposed to stop doing certain things we've always done, that were good and right and important, all that mattered was where He wanted us. Sometimes this left me feeling like I was waiting on the edge of the dark unknown, standing with a calendar in one hand and a pile of questions in the other, with the only answers being, we have to pray about it... That's all fine and good, praying and seeking God, but deadlines are deadlines and time waits for no man, that's what my calendar was saying to me and what I was saying to my Dad & what I was thinking towards God. This carries over into my personal life, kind of like a mirror. Anyway, It is probably significant that in our 20th year of ministry God has really taken us back to our roots in walking in faith, trusting only in Him not in man.
As this seeking and planning or putting planning on hold to pray was happening earlier this year, we got an email telling us that something we had done for years wasn't happening this year. Now I was all fine and good surrendering my plans to God as long as I was orchestrating & planning the surrender, but as doors closed and things changed and parts of my life disappeared, I realized more & more how much I was not okay with it. If I make a decision to change my life or end something so be it, but when someone else tells me its changed without my consent....that is not the same at all.
In the days months and years that follow the significant changes that happen in my life without my consent, I learn to live with them but find myself rarely accepting them, because they weren't my idea... In my process & all the kicking and screaming that accompanies it, I ask myself why I'm so violently opposed to change, some of it is fear of the unknown, a little bit of "look how you trusted the changes last time and got in this mess." And some of it is insecurity I suspect...
So though I'm saying that I trust God with my life I'm too worried to believe that His plans will work for me. When I'm faced with a change in a relationship I hate it, and I give it what for and continual grief over how it failed me. Never trusting that God can look out for me, my heart, the boy I loved, the lilies of the field & the sparrows with equal strength & ability. I have come to realize I have to get over myself, because my planning skills & ability to manage the world while keeping it spinning fall significantly short when I step back and compare my methods and track record to Gods. As much as I need to learn this in relationships, I have to learn it in every other little way. His ways are not my ways. When the jobt that I have done all of my adult life, over 8 years, was taken from me against my will right after I told God to handle it. I had to do a lot of dying to self. I had to step back and ask if I was only hurt because I had worked and sweated and served until I was far beyond my self, for so many years and I didn't want to disappoint the people I wanted to keep serving. Was that all? No somewhere in there it became much more about grieving for me than just them. At some point it turned a corner and became about that job being a piece of my identity. And at what point insecurity & a sort of pride overlap I can't tell you. But I do know with all the other unexpected changes and the ways I doubt myself, the idea of not having that big piece of my identity to wear around suddenly became a very real problem for me. Or maybe I suddenly realized that it probably wasn't right for me to feel inferior or inadequate just because one little job was ripped away. It didn't define me. Just like all of the times people question my unusual lifestyle and choices, to the point that I used to feel the need to prove who I was or wasn't. Or why I was or wasn't. And suddenly I realized that it was all the same, what I do doesn't define who I am anymore than what I do needs to be defended so that I can prove that who I am is okay. I am who I am. Things change, change comes and goes, People grow and change, I change and as I grow I see the need for change and for sameness. I realize that change is good but knowing who you are is better and makes change less traumatic.
In the midst of all of this change, I have my ups and downs because while knowing who I am helps, I am still human. I still have to close the doors in myself that Time, God & circumstance has closed around me. I still have to accept things, let go of things face things & people, end, start over, be friends or enemies or be somebody or nobody, I have to face and move within every change & its a beautiful thing to learn, the healing that comes in change and the change that comes thru healing... A beautiful paradox of sorts.
So, though I spent my childhood hating change, even the.changes in my storybooks. I didn't want to grow up, I didn't want my friends to grow up, I cried everytime I read Little Women, I didn't like it when people cut their hair, I didn't want my friends to get married, I didn't want heartbreak and death. But you learn to accept it, you learn to live, and living learns you. Something like faith comes thru hearing and hearing thru the word of God. Change comes with healing and healing is a type of faith. A trust in Gods sovereignty, a belief that He knew you before you knew anything and loved you there. Perfect love casts out fear so the more you accept who you are, become accustomed & okay with being who you were made to be the less there is to fear in change. It moves you and moving makes you.
I ask God for healing and He gives it, or the way to it... But His ways are not our ways and I must be prepared to accept healing even though it may come from the most unlikely places... the most unlikely Changes
As this seeking and planning or putting planning on hold to pray was happening earlier this year, we got an email telling us that something we had done for years wasn't happening this year. Now I was all fine and good surrendering my plans to God as long as I was orchestrating & planning the surrender, but as doors closed and things changed and parts of my life disappeared, I realized more & more how much I was not okay with it. If I make a decision to change my life or end something so be it, but when someone else tells me its changed without my consent....that is not the same at all.
In the days months and years that follow the significant changes that happen in my life without my consent, I learn to live with them but find myself rarely accepting them, because they weren't my idea... In my process & all the kicking and screaming that accompanies it, I ask myself why I'm so violently opposed to change, some of it is fear of the unknown, a little bit of "look how you trusted the changes last time and got in this mess." And some of it is insecurity I suspect...
So though I'm saying that I trust God with my life I'm too worried to believe that His plans will work for me. When I'm faced with a change in a relationship I hate it, and I give it what for and continual grief over how it failed me. Never trusting that God can look out for me, my heart, the boy I loved, the lilies of the field & the sparrows with equal strength & ability. I have come to realize I have to get over myself, because my planning skills & ability to manage the world while keeping it spinning fall significantly short when I step back and compare my methods and track record to Gods. As much as I need to learn this in relationships, I have to learn it in every other little way. His ways are not my ways. When the jobt that I have done all of my adult life, over 8 years, was taken from me against my will right after I told God to handle it. I had to do a lot of dying to self. I had to step back and ask if I was only hurt because I had worked and sweated and served until I was far beyond my self, for so many years and I didn't want to disappoint the people I wanted to keep serving. Was that all? No somewhere in there it became much more about grieving for me than just them. At some point it turned a corner and became about that job being a piece of my identity. And at what point insecurity & a sort of pride overlap I can't tell you. But I do know with all the other unexpected changes and the ways I doubt myself, the idea of not having that big piece of my identity to wear around suddenly became a very real problem for me. Or maybe I suddenly realized that it probably wasn't right for me to feel inferior or inadequate just because one little job was ripped away. It didn't define me. Just like all of the times people question my unusual lifestyle and choices, to the point that I used to feel the need to prove who I was or wasn't. Or why I was or wasn't. And suddenly I realized that it was all the same, what I do doesn't define who I am anymore than what I do needs to be defended so that I can prove that who I am is okay. I am who I am. Things change, change comes and goes, People grow and change, I change and as I grow I see the need for change and for sameness. I realize that change is good but knowing who you are is better and makes change less traumatic.
In the midst of all of this change, I have my ups and downs because while knowing who I am helps, I am still human. I still have to close the doors in myself that Time, God & circumstance has closed around me. I still have to accept things, let go of things face things & people, end, start over, be friends or enemies or be somebody or nobody, I have to face and move within every change & its a beautiful thing to learn, the healing that comes in change and the change that comes thru healing... A beautiful paradox of sorts.
So, though I spent my childhood hating change, even the.changes in my storybooks. I didn't want to grow up, I didn't want my friends to grow up, I cried everytime I read Little Women, I didn't like it when people cut their hair, I didn't want my friends to get married, I didn't want heartbreak and death. But you learn to accept it, you learn to live, and living learns you. Something like faith comes thru hearing and hearing thru the word of God. Change comes with healing and healing is a type of faith. A trust in Gods sovereignty, a belief that He knew you before you knew anything and loved you there. Perfect love casts out fear so the more you accept who you are, become accustomed & okay with being who you were made to be the less there is to fear in change. It moves you and moving makes you.
I ask God for healing and He gives it, or the way to it... But His ways are not our ways and I must be prepared to accept healing even though it may come from the most unlikely places... the most unlikely Changes
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Starving Artists :: Cornerstone part 3
Well now that I've written myself into a corner, I have to tell you about the hamburgers I led up to in my "love life" blog.
This year at Cornerstone I found myself hungry.... I don't mean like "oh, those vendors have curly fries and funnel cakes and I NEED them" hungry, I mean "since we didn't have Jesus Village we not only didn't feed everyone else we weren't setup to eat for ourselves either so the first 2 days at Cornerstone I didn't eat. I ate something in Indiana Wednesday morning then drove to Cornerstone, got out setup played my show with my beautiful friends and violins and cello's and accordians and then went on thru all night Wednesday & all day Thursday without eating" hungry. I know 40 some hours is nothing to go without eating, I wasn't starving but man, I felt like I was....I was ready for some food. Thursday night came around and as I sat down with my siblings and friends with hamburgers on our plates and oranges... We just kept looking at each other and saying thank you God for this food. I don't think I was the only one who had tears in my eyes as I started talking to my brother saying, do you realize that how we felt not eating or knowing where our meals would come from the last 2 days is what the people we feed always feel? I can not explain how poignant that moment was sitting there with our hamburgers almost crying because we realized how much what we do matters to people.
I am aware of the needs across America, in the city streets, in impoverished areas, in Appalachia, in third world countries, in our own overlooked backyards, but I didn't think that feeding people dinner at Cornerstone the last 10years as Jesus Village meant that much. Until suddenly I was one of the people who had spent all we had to get there and then went around the festival without a meal. Food isn't the point. The poor will be with you always....there will always be need and hunger, and whether I'm always out there trying to meet those needs or not I hope I always remember the point is always being where God wants you when He wants you there, so he can use you, as love, as a bridge, as truth and compassion.
I realized all of these things in succession as I ate, looking around at my family, my friends and at the unending faithfulness of God.
God let me have that moment to feel how grateful others are for even just a meal we give them. As I realized how God had used us even in that way at Cornerstone not just in the trenches I cried, tears of joy and fulfillment and thankfulness. I cried because I couldn't give anything away this year. But in the same moment I knew God had His reasons and timing and perfect ways. He's always doing the good. We just sometimes get to be in the middle of it. And if we're seeking Him in our walk... Well, you know how it goes...
All things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called... That would be me.
This year at Cornerstone I found myself hungry.... I don't mean like "oh, those vendors have curly fries and funnel cakes and I NEED them" hungry, I mean "since we didn't have Jesus Village we not only didn't feed everyone else we weren't setup to eat for ourselves either so the first 2 days at Cornerstone I didn't eat. I ate something in Indiana Wednesday morning then drove to Cornerstone, got out setup played my show with my beautiful friends and violins and cello's and accordians and then went on thru all night Wednesday & all day Thursday without eating" hungry. I know 40 some hours is nothing to go without eating, I wasn't starving but man, I felt like I was....I was ready for some food. Thursday night came around and as I sat down with my siblings and friends with hamburgers on our plates and oranges... We just kept looking at each other and saying thank you God for this food. I don't think I was the only one who had tears in my eyes as I started talking to my brother saying, do you realize that how we felt not eating or knowing where our meals would come from the last 2 days is what the people we feed always feel? I can not explain how poignant that moment was sitting there with our hamburgers almost crying because we realized how much what we do matters to people.
I am aware of the needs across America, in the city streets, in impoverished areas, in Appalachia, in third world countries, in our own overlooked backyards, but I didn't think that feeding people dinner at Cornerstone the last 10years as Jesus Village meant that much. Until suddenly I was one of the people who had spent all we had to get there and then went around the festival without a meal. Food isn't the point. The poor will be with you always....there will always be need and hunger, and whether I'm always out there trying to meet those needs or not I hope I always remember the point is always being where God wants you when He wants you there, so he can use you, as love, as a bridge, as truth and compassion.
I realized all of these things in succession as I ate, looking around at my family, my friends and at the unending faithfulness of God.
God let me have that moment to feel how grateful others are for even just a meal we give them. As I realized how God had used us even in that way at Cornerstone not just in the trenches I cried, tears of joy and fulfillment and thankfulness. I cried because I couldn't give anything away this year. But in the same moment I knew God had His reasons and timing and perfect ways. He's always doing the good. We just sometimes get to be in the middle of it. And if we're seeking Him in our walk... Well, you know how it goes...
All things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called... That would be me.
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My love life and Cornerstone the festival minus Jesus Village (Cornerstone take 2)
Well if you reading this are as hungry and occasionally anxious as me, you're waking up this morning waiting for something great, though maybe only expecting the usual daily round, because we've learned that if we don't expect too much we aren't as easily disappointed... Wait, have I learned that? And if I have, I'm not living life to the fullest, if we stop expecting great things, if we stop observing and appreciating the little things we may as well be machines. We are made for the experiences in our lives and they are there to make us.
On to the Cornerstone stuff. Cornerstone in 4 parts, Last week was so much... So much.
I thought I knew what I was going to write about today, but as I sit here typing this blog into my little phone as usual the story is taking me in a different direction, anyway....
Cornerstone part 2
I went to the festival this year with many things on my mind, in the forefront was probably the fact that for the first time in 10 years I wouldn't be running the Jesus Village stage at Cornerstone. It was strange, it was a little bit unexpected how it came about and I didn't know what to expect of myself. Mostly I worried about the people I was going to disappoint. I worried about the ones who would come looking for it and nothing would be there, no stage, no devotions, no children's worship, no music, no dinner, no safe place, no drink of water, no place to find someone safe to talk to, no Jesus Village.
I realize that though the structure wasn't there the people still were but that didn't entirely soften the blows. Even as I told myself they didn't need more music at the festival, I knew it wasn't about music, I also knew that the bands we had weren't just about the music, that was the point. But without the stage I had no way to give a platform to the ones I knew were sincere, the ones we had raised up, and the ones that serve beside us and deserve some recognition, even if it is just a spot to play at Cornerstone, to them it said something, it meant something and I cried Everytime I had to tell another one of the sweet young (and old) bands that have been a part of my life for years. "I'm sorry I don't have a place for you to play at Cornerstone." To me it may just be a festival but to them it was more than that. And if we are going to get down to that, its more to me to, its a part of life, its a family reunion of sorts, its a breath of fresh air and a splash of diversity and sameness, the solace of a like-minded multitude. It's beautiful. And I appreciate its uniqueness, its perfections and flaws, its humaness. I love the people it brings together. So it was a hard thing for me to face those people without being able to give them everything I had tried to before.
But God was using this like he uses everything that I let Him use to do something good in me. The people I felt like I was disappointing rallied around us and let our family know that they were behind us no matter what. They spent the festival one by one having little moments where I would discover just how much each part of what we do has poured into so many lives, and it was more than encouraging, the word might be fulfilled. Rather than just feeling robbed or like I've failed at a part of my life I've worked on for so long instead I got to see the fruit, in faces passing, in children, on other stages at the festival, in seminars, in the work God does in each life we touch if we lay "our lives" down in service.
While talking about this year with a friend and explaining that some things have changed, moved aside and I'm determining to focus more on music... She gave me the line that many well meaning good people have tried to forcefully shove down my throat, "Well, if you stop focusing so much on these things with your family and just focus on you, you'll do really well. It's time. You deserve it, etc." I smilingly let her finish the conversation with me only interjecting once to point out that yes sometimes we hide behind things like college, career or ministry, to keep from walking in what God has for us, but what I'm standing here trying to tell you is that the very things you're saying to me now, is what tore me down and caused me to doubt. Well meaning misinformed people around me trying to save me from what I feel called to, what I have chosen and been chosen for. And where I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has called me to be. If He changes that tomorrow so be it. If he calls me to China or Canada or New Zealand good. If he calls me to go live in a city by myself and work at Starbucks and be normal enough to fit into peoples boxes I will. But He hasn't and sometimes I would appreciate it if people would stop explaining to me why I'm not married. A) I don't need to be married by tomorrow because there's no deadline on that for me. B) I'm not marrying someone that doesn't at least try to understand where I've been with God. I can not. I'm not asking that He live the same life, I'm asking that he accept that up till now these differences have been good, they're what made me and what continues to make me. And I (despite the pain of doubting that for a little while because people don't understand anything bit what they chose to...) Have finally gotten to a place thru the pain of asking why and how and why and why and why...why didn't they believe in and undertand where I am, and why you're allowed to love someone who isn't ready to love you? Why, am I where I am, is it God or am I crazy? Who am I and why? And God... And God being who He is mercifully and deeply answered those questions, maybe not the love and broken hearted part... But the deep, broken, needy ones. Why am I here, who am I? Why did you call me to this walk, did you call me or did I miss something? Was I wrong to not do the normal things, college, marriage, getting a degree, furthering a career, working at Starbucks so you can get married instead of living by faith with nothing giving everything and not having any grandbabies to show anybody.... Am I Following God? Am I Called? Am I Crazy? Who Am I?
And if I am following Him I suddenly start accepting, if I am like him I won't look normal, people won't understand, I won't always undertand. I won't always be able to explain it, even to the most understanding, loving people. His ways are not our ways, sacrifice will be our proof, all things work together for the good, He is the intervening distance. God is good and he wants good things for us and He will give them in His ways in His timing, and it won't always make sense but as His perfect will unfolds externally and internally, as He works the good and the bad and the painful and the ugly and the unfair and the dirty and the disappointments and the hopes and the things, all the things together for our good. We learn to love Him we learn what His love is and we accept ourselves, we accept and embrace who He is in us and what we are without Him. And its all so good and great and complete and I have so much faith in Him. I have so much trust that what we give to Him is always gonna be safe our hearts, our minds, our plans, our fears, the hearts of the persons we love the most and we want the best for, our ambitions, dreams, babies, jobs, career, family, pain, pain, fear, doubt, hurt, life, all of it. As I give it to Him as I sit alone on the floor afraid of letting go. As I stand on a stage, as I walk thru Cornerstone and see God using my family in new ways when the old is missing, as we prayed this year for God to open and close the doors and then he did and I see how its perfect, as I drove thru the festival last week at about 5am with tears on my face and in my throat as I cried out to God to heal me and take my pain. As I cried for what's over, what's now and what's to come. For Cornerstone, for me, for my family, for our ministry, for the people I have to let go of, for the things I cannot cling to, for how transient and flexible and perfect and sure God is and how I want to please Him. All of this.
All of this is me, all of it is God at work in me some of it coincides with Cornerstone some of it overlaps and some of it is years of process just steadily plugging along stomping over Cornerstone like its stomped over everything else that's just a stepping stone in our life just a stop along the way to where Gods plans take us. There is a part 2 to this particular post that involves hamburgers but we have 3 shows this weekend so that is to be continued.
On to the Cornerstone stuff. Cornerstone in 4 parts, Last week was so much... So much.
I thought I knew what I was going to write about today, but as I sit here typing this blog into my little phone as usual the story is taking me in a different direction, anyway....
Cornerstone part 2
I went to the festival this year with many things on my mind, in the forefront was probably the fact that for the first time in 10 years I wouldn't be running the Jesus Village stage at Cornerstone. It was strange, it was a little bit unexpected how it came about and I didn't know what to expect of myself. Mostly I worried about the people I was going to disappoint. I worried about the ones who would come looking for it and nothing would be there, no stage, no devotions, no children's worship, no music, no dinner, no safe place, no drink of water, no place to find someone safe to talk to, no Jesus Village.
I realize that though the structure wasn't there the people still were but that didn't entirely soften the blows. Even as I told myself they didn't need more music at the festival, I knew it wasn't about music, I also knew that the bands we had weren't just about the music, that was the point. But without the stage I had no way to give a platform to the ones I knew were sincere, the ones we had raised up, and the ones that serve beside us and deserve some recognition, even if it is just a spot to play at Cornerstone, to them it said something, it meant something and I cried Everytime I had to tell another one of the sweet young (and old) bands that have been a part of my life for years. "I'm sorry I don't have a place for you to play at Cornerstone." To me it may just be a festival but to them it was more than that. And if we are going to get down to that, its more to me to, its a part of life, its a family reunion of sorts, its a breath of fresh air and a splash of diversity and sameness, the solace of a like-minded multitude. It's beautiful. And I appreciate its uniqueness, its perfections and flaws, its humaness. I love the people it brings together. So it was a hard thing for me to face those people without being able to give them everything I had tried to before.
But God was using this like he uses everything that I let Him use to do something good in me. The people I felt like I was disappointing rallied around us and let our family know that they were behind us no matter what. They spent the festival one by one having little moments where I would discover just how much each part of what we do has poured into so many lives, and it was more than encouraging, the word might be fulfilled. Rather than just feeling robbed or like I've failed at a part of my life I've worked on for so long instead I got to see the fruit, in faces passing, in children, on other stages at the festival, in seminars, in the work God does in each life we touch if we lay "our lives" down in service.
While talking about this year with a friend and explaining that some things have changed, moved aside and I'm determining to focus more on music... She gave me the line that many well meaning good people have tried to forcefully shove down my throat, "Well, if you stop focusing so much on these things with your family and just focus on you, you'll do really well. It's time. You deserve it, etc." I smilingly let her finish the conversation with me only interjecting once to point out that yes sometimes we hide behind things like college, career or ministry, to keep from walking in what God has for us, but what I'm standing here trying to tell you is that the very things you're saying to me now, is what tore me down and caused me to doubt. Well meaning misinformed people around me trying to save me from what I feel called to, what I have chosen and been chosen for. And where I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has called me to be. If He changes that tomorrow so be it. If he calls me to China or Canada or New Zealand good. If he calls me to go live in a city by myself and work at Starbucks and be normal enough to fit into peoples boxes I will. But He hasn't and sometimes I would appreciate it if people would stop explaining to me why I'm not married. A) I don't need to be married by tomorrow because there's no deadline on that for me. B) I'm not marrying someone that doesn't at least try to understand where I've been with God. I can not. I'm not asking that He live the same life, I'm asking that he accept that up till now these differences have been good, they're what made me and what continues to make me. And I (despite the pain of doubting that for a little while because people don't understand anything bit what they chose to...) Have finally gotten to a place thru the pain of asking why and how and why and why and why...why didn't they believe in and undertand where I am, and why you're allowed to love someone who isn't ready to love you? Why, am I where I am, is it God or am I crazy? Who am I and why? And God... And God being who He is mercifully and deeply answered those questions, maybe not the love and broken hearted part... But the deep, broken, needy ones. Why am I here, who am I? Why did you call me to this walk, did you call me or did I miss something? Was I wrong to not do the normal things, college, marriage, getting a degree, furthering a career, working at Starbucks so you can get married instead of living by faith with nothing giving everything and not having any grandbabies to show anybody.... Am I Following God? Am I Called? Am I Crazy? Who Am I?
And if I am following Him I suddenly start accepting, if I am like him I won't look normal, people won't understand, I won't always undertand. I won't always be able to explain it, even to the most understanding, loving people. His ways are not our ways, sacrifice will be our proof, all things work together for the good, He is the intervening distance. God is good and he wants good things for us and He will give them in His ways in His timing, and it won't always make sense but as His perfect will unfolds externally and internally, as He works the good and the bad and the painful and the ugly and the unfair and the dirty and the disappointments and the hopes and the things, all the things together for our good. We learn to love Him we learn what His love is and we accept ourselves, we accept and embrace who He is in us and what we are without Him. And its all so good and great and complete and I have so much faith in Him. I have so much trust that what we give to Him is always gonna be safe our hearts, our minds, our plans, our fears, the hearts of the persons we love the most and we want the best for, our ambitions, dreams, babies, jobs, career, family, pain, pain, fear, doubt, hurt, life, all of it. As I give it to Him as I sit alone on the floor afraid of letting go. As I stand on a stage, as I walk thru Cornerstone and see God using my family in new ways when the old is missing, as we prayed this year for God to open and close the doors and then he did and I see how its perfect, as I drove thru the festival last week at about 5am with tears on my face and in my throat as I cried out to God to heal me and take my pain. As I cried for what's over, what's now and what's to come. For Cornerstone, for me, for my family, for our ministry, for the people I have to let go of, for the things I cannot cling to, for how transient and flexible and perfect and sure God is and how I want to please Him. All of this.
All of this is me, all of it is God at work in me some of it coincides with Cornerstone some of it overlaps and some of it is years of process just steadily plugging along stomping over Cornerstone like its stomped over everything else that's just a stepping stone in our life just a stop along the way to where Gods plans take us. There is a part 2 to this particular post that involves hamburgers but we have 3 shows this weekend so that is to be continued.
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festivus (cornerstone part 1)
I am still processing the concentrated, fruitful time that sometimes resembles an overload of emotional chaos that last week was. Cornerstone holds a lot of memories for me, not because its anyplace special but because its been a consistent part of my life for something like 15 years... A lot of years.
I am confident in Gods faithful care. He shows Himself to be full of mercy in the most difficult times and the best. So worthy of trust that I am ashamed of my ideas of self reliance and how I am always jumping in trying to do his job in "my life" that I've supposedly surrendered to him.
I'm not thru processing this last week and maybe need a little time before I speak but there's a rich bundle of life I just lived and solved and faced and accepted. And it all starts with knowing myself more than I ever have before. And knowing God in me.
I don't know where to begin so this will be my start, everything else is formulating, brewing, mending in my head and in my heart, waiting for the moment of self expression where clarity and timing will make my words something that will not only speak truth to me but bring healing to you as you watch my process. No, Gods process in me. As I give you a window into the vulnerable broken mess that is my soul and you listen as God makes something completely His.
I usually wouldn't say this, but I hope it matters to you. I hope you realize how much I sometimes want to withdraw into my shy self, but I feel compelled that I should let you watch my attempts at surrender. I feel a need to get on a stage and sing until I'm hoarse and empty, give to the poor until it hurts and write late into the night and early in the mornings in hope that you find a kinship with my brokenness and need for God and mostly a way to meet yourself, to be honest about who you are. Because in that truth you find your need for Gods mercy, and how freely He has already given it.
I am confident in Gods faithful care. He shows Himself to be full of mercy in the most difficult times and the best. So worthy of trust that I am ashamed of my ideas of self reliance and how I am always jumping in trying to do his job in "my life" that I've supposedly surrendered to him.
I'm not thru processing this last week and maybe need a little time before I speak but there's a rich bundle of life I just lived and solved and faced and accepted. And it all starts with knowing myself more than I ever have before. And knowing God in me.
I don't know where to begin so this will be my start, everything else is formulating, brewing, mending in my head and in my heart, waiting for the moment of self expression where clarity and timing will make my words something that will not only speak truth to me but bring healing to you as you watch my process. No, Gods process in me. As I give you a window into the vulnerable broken mess that is my soul and you listen as God makes something completely His.
I usually wouldn't say this, but I hope it matters to you. I hope you realize how much I sometimes want to withdraw into my shy self, but I feel compelled that I should let you watch my attempts at surrender. I feel a need to get on a stage and sing until I'm hoarse and empty, give to the poor until it hurts and write late into the night and early in the mornings in hope that you find a kinship with my brokenness and need for God and mostly a way to meet yourself, to be honest about who you are. Because in that truth you find your need for Gods mercy, and how freely He has already given it.
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stay in my way
Dear God I need a journal, in it's absence I have a prayer. That the healing is complete. That your promises are true
Stay by my side
Stay by my side
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my love/hate relationship (with trust)
The deepest love, hate relationship you will have is with the person you loved enough to show parts of your true self too, then when they betray you, you have no alibi, no protection from the horrifying vulnerability you displayed. The idea of facing them is a fear that magnifies with the unbidden memories of each passing hour... As the moment of reckoning grows closer you remember your openness and grimace at your weakness in letting yourself trust anyone, much less this traitor that waited til he knew about your stutter, your fear of germs, your childhood traumas and the ways you overcame most of them, your secret music snobbery, your scars and your inability to trust enough to tell anyone who you really are...waiting until then to betray you... But that's why its betrayal isn't it?
Because Jesus loved Judas it hurt, because he trusted him. The thing is all the while Jesus knew Judas had the ability to betray him, if he was safe he wouldn't have trusted him.... But if we are always safe. Never risking anything, never trusting anyone and never bypassing our broken hearted walls of fear enough to love, we aren't really living. We won't be living life to the fullest.
Am I saying stop being cautious? not entirely, its good in moderation. But Faith is a risk we are asked to take, trust is a fearful, unsafe and dark unknown God wants us to step out into, its part of life more abundantly... trusting in Him first, who will keep us, then letting ourselves trust and love his people, who will undoubtedly hurt us and let us down. But they will also complete us and in those very Ups and downs character forms. In stepping into the dark unknown with only a rope we call Jesus as our safety, bearing our weakness, doubt and fear to Him, who loves us anyway... He strengthens us, we find that the girl we were last week, last year, before we surrendered into Gods unknown plan for our life, is not the same as who we are today. We find that walking in faith is much more than belief, its a way of life. It's a surrender of safety and control. We are no longer hiding our weakness and imperfection and doubt, we are laying it all on he table and instead of a painful betrayal at the hands of a human, we find God who knew it all and was just waiting for us to admit it and trust him with it...He doesn't turn and condemn us, or tell us how screwed up we are, or how crazy our weaknesses are, He tells us we are safe now. We are accepted with all our faults, His love is unconditional, not human. And if we can trust Him in thisour vulnerability, our greatest sins, humaness and failures we can certainly trust Him with our future's. He will not only be there, He will be perfecting His plan in our lives as we abandon into fearful & wonderful trust.
Because Jesus loved Judas it hurt, because he trusted him. The thing is all the while Jesus knew Judas had the ability to betray him, if he was safe he wouldn't have trusted him.... But if we are always safe. Never risking anything, never trusting anyone and never bypassing our broken hearted walls of fear enough to love, we aren't really living. We won't be living life to the fullest.
Am I saying stop being cautious? not entirely, its good in moderation. But Faith is a risk we are asked to take, trust is a fearful, unsafe and dark unknown God wants us to step out into, its part of life more abundantly... trusting in Him first, who will keep us, then letting ourselves trust and love his people, who will undoubtedly hurt us and let us down. But they will also complete us and in those very Ups and downs character forms. In stepping into the dark unknown with only a rope we call Jesus as our safety, bearing our weakness, doubt and fear to Him, who loves us anyway... He strengthens us, we find that the girl we were last week, last year, before we surrendered into Gods unknown plan for our life, is not the same as who we are today. We find that walking in faith is much more than belief, its a way of life. It's a surrender of safety and control. We are no longer hiding our weakness and imperfection and doubt, we are laying it all on he table and instead of a painful betrayal at the hands of a human, we find God who knew it all and was just waiting for us to admit it and trust him with it...He doesn't turn and condemn us, or tell us how screwed up we are, or how crazy our weaknesses are, He tells us we are safe now. We are accepted with all our faults, His love is unconditional, not human. And if we can trust Him in thisour vulnerability, our greatest sins, humaness and failures we can certainly trust Him with our future's. He will not only be there, He will be perfecting His plan in our lives as we abandon into fearful & wonderful trust.
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three concrete floor masterpieces (and some southern sweet tea)
Yesterday, I sat on the cool concrete floor in the lowest level of my house and listened to someone playing cello to my songs and as I did I was probably transported to another realm or something. I don't know how to describe what a stringed instrument can do to me. Its almost like a glimpse of heaven thru an instrument.
As I sat there realizing that despite all my worries and troubles, I'm waiting for those moments all the time, the little glimpses of joy, the pieces of a happiness that reverberate and filter thru your system. I don't spend my life searching for those moments but when they come they're always well worth the wait.
As I sat there the cello running thru my system, harmonies filling my ears, my head, the spot inside my stomach where something beyond happiness can settle, with cool cement under my legs, while finishing a glass of sweet tea, I felt so much. I thought back to a little earlier when the girl playing cello, said something along the lines of, playing cello, in shorts and a t-shirt and drinking sweet tea, this is the life... And I smiled at how much her appreciation for the blending of simple things resonated with me. All of this combined took me back to the other times I had those glimpses of heaven, joy, breathstopping happiness, contentment... I realized this wasn't the first or only time I went to that place with this very same floor beneath me, a few inches from where I was...
Once long ago I sat here with my best friend, mostly in silence, even though it was.fleeting, the perfect contentment I felt was probably one of the most tangible moments of feeling Gods presence in the midst that I've had.
Once I listened while a violin played out loud in the open on a recording melodies, parts and harmonies that had been in my head for years...8 years and more, some of them, waiting to be all set together in.one piece of music, that eventually will become a bridge, a tool, a voice to do and say what I don't know how to otherwise.
I am constantly and properly impressed with the perfect understanding, empathy and artistry of a creator who uses our every experience to build a story that will speak thru us to others and will move and shake and shape us and our lives into not only exactly who He created us to be. But as He works, He let's us live beautiful, creative lives while it happens, little do we know all the while He's enjoying the orchestra he's directing, the canvas he's filling with color, the masterpiece He is working with us at the center, sitting on the concrete, hearing the sounds we were created to enjoy, appreciate and create. Seeing the beauty of the people He's created and knit into our lives. And occasionally, if we're lucky, drinking sweet tea on the side.
As I sat there realizing that despite all my worries and troubles, I'm waiting for those moments all the time, the little glimpses of joy, the pieces of a happiness that reverberate and filter thru your system. I don't spend my life searching for those moments but when they come they're always well worth the wait.
As I sat there the cello running thru my system, harmonies filling my ears, my head, the spot inside my stomach where something beyond happiness can settle, with cool cement under my legs, while finishing a glass of sweet tea, I felt so much. I thought back to a little earlier when the girl playing cello, said something along the lines of, playing cello, in shorts and a t-shirt and drinking sweet tea, this is the life... And I smiled at how much her appreciation for the blending of simple things resonated with me. All of this combined took me back to the other times I had those glimpses of heaven, joy, breathstopping happiness, contentment... I realized this wasn't the first or only time I went to that place with this very same floor beneath me, a few inches from where I was...
Once long ago I sat here with my best friend, mostly in silence, even though it was.fleeting, the perfect contentment I felt was probably one of the most tangible moments of feeling Gods presence in the midst that I've had.
Once I listened while a violin played out loud in the open on a recording melodies, parts and harmonies that had been in my head for years...8 years and more, some of them, waiting to be all set together in.one piece of music, that eventually will become a bridge, a tool, a voice to do and say what I don't know how to otherwise.
I am constantly and properly impressed with the perfect understanding, empathy and artistry of a creator who uses our every experience to build a story that will speak thru us to others and will move and shake and shape us and our lives into not only exactly who He created us to be. But as He works, He let's us live beautiful, creative lives while it happens, little do we know all the while He's enjoying the orchestra he's directing, the canvas he's filling with color, the masterpiece He is working with us at the center, sitting on the concrete, hearing the sounds we were created to enjoy, appreciate and create. Seeing the beauty of the people He's created and knit into our lives. And occasionally, if we're lucky, drinking sweet tea on the side.
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Happy Fathers Day Daddy
Today I've been praying for the people I know who've lost their Dad's. It makes me want to tell you to honor your Father today, or your Father figure, or God... whether you hold with these commercialized holidays or not.
Not being a Father I wouldn't know but I imagine its hard work, and its not always recognized.
If you are hurting today and in lack of a good Father, try to forgive him where he failed, where he was human, it will probably heal you.
Despite a few exceptions most of us severely undervalue our parents. Usually not seeing how much they sacrificed to give us the life we have.
I have been immeasurably blessed to have parents who laid down their lives for me and my brothers and sisters and let us watch them lay down "their" lives in surrender to God. I got to watch them surrender in obedience and try to walk in faith in ways few people do. And it has been such a rich life for me, in good times and bad. I am so thankful to have a Father who set aside his comfort zone time and again to put his family first and try to honor God.
If you have someone, whether it be a Father, Mother, Grandparents or anyone else that has shaped your life, sacrificed, loved, prayed for you. Tell them what their worth. Tell them what they mean to you. It matters and a little encouragement can go a long way.
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less of that
Remember how I was writing long, borderline sermonizing journalistic type blog's? I'm probably too busy for that this week. But I wish I wasn't because I am a swarm of emotion. Not overwhelmed, dramatic emotion. Just deep introspective, heart shifting emotion. Some of it can't be written but most of it is well fertilized preparation for a story or 2 or 3. Stories of disappointment, transition, love, broken hearted romance, facing your past and finding healing or hurt, forgiveness, anxiety, proving yourself, and mostly learning to trust God. The stories will keep but my work before leaving on tour won't so be prepared for one liners or two this week and maybe say a little prayer for me if you think of it.
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Tuesday morning strikes again
This morning I was supposed to wake at 7:15 for a specific errand, around "still in the 6 o'clock hour not even 7 and therefore God's probably not awake yet", I woke up to the music of the birds just after dawn also known as a text message that should have been silenced.
As it came into focus though it sobered me and sunk my heart. It was a friend asking for prayer for their brother, after what sounded like a rough, scary and probably shocking night and the empathy running through my veins was over powering.
I wanted to reach into the situation and calm the family and then shake the boy trying in every wrong way to prove what he was and wasn't, the downfall of many a boy raised in a good family but hurt by the church they serve... I know, he's just looking for validation, looking for a God that hurts less and is easier than the hypocritical church he's had a close look at...
So before I shake him for all the pain I know he's causing his family... Even though I know he needs to open his eyes before more damage is done to them or to himself, to the younger brother's watching, to the sisters who cry themselves to sleep with multiple broken hearts and some nights question why he needs to be so bad and other nights why they have to be so good...to the parents who have tried their best and as an answer to their arguments and tears and pleas of unconditional love get their humanity thrown in their face, being told they've failed as parent's, (though I'm pretty sure, now that I'm old enough to know and a little wiser than the boys trying to prove their manhood...that those parents just like mine are just humans, saved by grace trying their best to follow God and give their children the best they can, even though they don't know what the best is supposed to be, cause nobody showed them. Cut the parents some slack kids. Some times their trying to lay down their life for you, don't persecute them for the times they fall off the pedestal you put them on. You can't justify your sin with their imperfection.)
But what if that's the trouble? What if in one instance the parent's weren't the best parent's they.could be... That's still not usually all that the boy is gonna talk about to his girlfriend (who maybe his drug of choice) late at night. He may be blaming his parents but its eventually gonna come back to something else.
Before I shake him, or just say boys will be boys, they have to sow their wild oats or whatever the rubbish is...
Let's say somebody's brother was raised in the church, probably with parents who had a radical conversion or who were trying to walk a walk of obedience in a fallen mess of a world, remember they are still human, but either way they tried, and something went wrong, somebody ask me what went wrong...
One of 3 things went wrong, but usually a combination of the three, occasionally there may be an exception. But I'm pretty sure all these hurting, insecure boys are running off with a lot of the same pain.
Most of us, from my generation down to my youngest brothers, who were raised in the church got a pretty good dose of the first two things.
One, we watched the church that we believed in walk a walk of hypocrisy that spread thru everything from adultery to little compromises and addictions like alcohol, materialism, pornography, the media among other things that went from a few white lies here and there to a whole church full of broken marriages and disenfranchised youth.... Why all the destruction, compromise and disappointment? How does this happen in the church?
This brings us to the second reason, Because the mainstream church in America, and the progressive, newly improved, non traditional emerging church, is living under grace. So now as there is less and less difference between the church and the world. There's less and less reason for children to respect the church much less their parents. Because whether you're in a traditional, "unenlightened" church, or part of the "emerging church" you are making it okay for young people to go to church on Sunday and talk theology with their smart Christian friends then to live in the hell of their choosing. This double standard, this glorified, watered down, rampant double standard excusing and justifying living a carnal Christian life or walking half of a walk, is why these boys are confused and looking elsewhere, and why young people in general are leaving the church in droves.
There's another reason... I won't say boys will be boys, but I will say boys need to know how to become men. Because whether they know how or not, they will try to. They'll try to prove who they are and who they aren't especially if they're part of the above group that doesn't respect the church anymore or their parents who may have served the church instead of following God.
They may go to extremes or use violent methods to prove themselves or they may use women. They may hurt the girls that are just a stepping stone in their journey of self discovery.
Unfortunately I have been a part of this process from more than one angle. Girls can use boys too...
In the process of deciding who they are, Maybe this boy will have someone besides a sister, maybe he has a best friend who wants to be there for him challenge him, hold his arms up...
But self discovery is messy, it usually involves experimentation, because you're still trying to prove you're not like your father or the church... And rebellion whether little or great is a wider road... And its much more alluring, melodramatic and seductive than the sister, or the mother or the best friend or the family that was there to hold your arms up and is even now praying for you.
I guess maybe you don't need to know the reasons brothers make their sisters cry. So I won't go into any more detail. Maybe you don't want me to explain why I've lost so many friends, casualties of the Christian rite, examples of a failed system not a failed faith...more of a lack of faith (James 2). But someone needs to talk about it because it isn't stopping, if anything's increasing. Where are the kids I grew up with? The promising young leaders on fire for God... No one is talking about them. People I love are falling by the wayside, if they survived this long now they are becoming casualties of a watered down walk, rich with causes but falling short on holiness... Now, I'm starting to ramble... I'll let it rest for today. But let's keep talking about it, cause its not just adolescent males. It's an epidemic stretching out and wearing the faithful down to a few. And if the few aren't talking and blogging and writing and doing something who will?
Now, I'm not trying to sound like I have all the answers because I don't. But I have one... It's Jesus and Him crucified, unhindered, undiluted, unchanging and uncompromised. The more people that have that the more answers we'll find.
As it came into focus though it sobered me and sunk my heart. It was a friend asking for prayer for their brother, after what sounded like a rough, scary and probably shocking night and the empathy running through my veins was over powering.
I wanted to reach into the situation and calm the family and then shake the boy trying in every wrong way to prove what he was and wasn't, the downfall of many a boy raised in a good family but hurt by the church they serve... I know, he's just looking for validation, looking for a God that hurts less and is easier than the hypocritical church he's had a close look at...
So before I shake him for all the pain I know he's causing his family... Even though I know he needs to open his eyes before more damage is done to them or to himself, to the younger brother's watching, to the sisters who cry themselves to sleep with multiple broken hearts and some nights question why he needs to be so bad and other nights why they have to be so good...to the parents who have tried their best and as an answer to their arguments and tears and pleas of unconditional love get their humanity thrown in their face, being told they've failed as parent's, (though I'm pretty sure, now that I'm old enough to know and a little wiser than the boys trying to prove their manhood...that those parents just like mine are just humans, saved by grace trying their best to follow God and give their children the best they can, even though they don't know what the best is supposed to be, cause nobody showed them. Cut the parents some slack kids. Some times their trying to lay down their life for you, don't persecute them for the times they fall off the pedestal you put them on. You can't justify your sin with their imperfection.)
But what if that's the trouble? What if in one instance the parent's weren't the best parent's they.could be... That's still not usually all that the boy is gonna talk about to his girlfriend (who maybe his drug of choice) late at night. He may be blaming his parents but its eventually gonna come back to something else.
Before I shake him, or just say boys will be boys, they have to sow their wild oats or whatever the rubbish is...
Let's say somebody's brother was raised in the church, probably with parents who had a radical conversion or who were trying to walk a walk of obedience in a fallen mess of a world, remember they are still human, but either way they tried, and something went wrong, somebody ask me what went wrong...
One of 3 things went wrong, but usually a combination of the three, occasionally there may be an exception. But I'm pretty sure all these hurting, insecure boys are running off with a lot of the same pain.
Most of us, from my generation down to my youngest brothers, who were raised in the church got a pretty good dose of the first two things.
One, we watched the church that we believed in walk a walk of hypocrisy that spread thru everything from adultery to little compromises and addictions like alcohol, materialism, pornography, the media among other things that went from a few white lies here and there to a whole church full of broken marriages and disenfranchised youth.... Why all the destruction, compromise and disappointment? How does this happen in the church?
This brings us to the second reason, Because the mainstream church in America, and the progressive, newly improved, non traditional emerging church, is living under grace. So now as there is less and less difference between the church and the world. There's less and less reason for children to respect the church much less their parents. Because whether you're in a traditional, "unenlightened" church, or part of the "emerging church" you are making it okay for young people to go to church on Sunday and talk theology with their smart Christian friends then to live in the hell of their choosing. This double standard, this glorified, watered down, rampant double standard excusing and justifying living a carnal Christian life or walking half of a walk, is why these boys are confused and looking elsewhere, and why young people in general are leaving the church in droves.
There's another reason... I won't say boys will be boys, but I will say boys need to know how to become men. Because whether they know how or not, they will try to. They'll try to prove who they are and who they aren't especially if they're part of the above group that doesn't respect the church anymore or their parents who may have served the church instead of following God.
They may go to extremes or use violent methods to prove themselves or they may use women. They may hurt the girls that are just a stepping stone in their journey of self discovery.
Unfortunately I have been a part of this process from more than one angle. Girls can use boys too...
In the process of deciding who they are, Maybe this boy will have someone besides a sister, maybe he has a best friend who wants to be there for him challenge him, hold his arms up...
But self discovery is messy, it usually involves experimentation, because you're still trying to prove you're not like your father or the church... And rebellion whether little or great is a wider road... And its much more alluring, melodramatic and seductive than the sister, or the mother or the best friend or the family that was there to hold your arms up and is even now praying for you.
I guess maybe you don't need to know the reasons brothers make their sisters cry. So I won't go into any more detail. Maybe you don't want me to explain why I've lost so many friends, casualties of the Christian rite, examples of a failed system not a failed faith...more of a lack of faith (James 2). But someone needs to talk about it because it isn't stopping, if anything's increasing. Where are the kids I grew up with? The promising young leaders on fire for God... No one is talking about them. People I love are falling by the wayside, if they survived this long now they are becoming casualties of a watered down walk, rich with causes but falling short on holiness... Now, I'm starting to ramble... I'll let it rest for today. But let's keep talking about it, cause its not just adolescent males. It's an epidemic stretching out and wearing the faithful down to a few. And if the few aren't talking and blogging and writing and doing something who will?
Now, I'm not trying to sound like I have all the answers because I don't. But I have one... It's Jesus and Him crucified, unhindered, undiluted, unchanging and uncompromised. The more people that have that the more answers we'll find.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.0
colored glass, the therapist
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.0
keeping records
I started out here ready to nicely document my last week in an attempt to maybe make someone laugh. I don't have it in me right now, not because I haven't learned that humor helps make life less dramatic and more bearable... I would know, an all too keen appreciation for the comic and the ridiculous has gotten me in trouble more than once...
But I probably don't have it in me because although my body has been playing errand girl at the lumber yard and at Lowes and in between times I've been cooking for 16, and playing school teacher to my little sister and answering phone calls and doing all this business until I'm too tired and sore to feel like blogging into my phone... My mind is running nonstop in different ways. I don't have time to amuse anyone by laughingly writing off my frustration, because after a meeting that changed my year I'm rescheduling the next 6 months in my head, I'm literally making multiple lists in my head for every area of my life and my family's life and our year and festivals and merch and new product and groceries and a new album, and the current album, and the cheapest place to buy milk and sugar and lettuce and flour and organizing the next festival and making this weeks menu and comparing prices on high-speed internet so I can turn it on while we are home so I can work and type these lists and many more into the computer...but I don't have a computer anymore because the ancient laptop that I have everything on just broke out of the blue. It won't turn on anymore and I keep reaching to look something up but I can't because my laptop's broken and I have no way to get a new one... Inconvenient but still much more bearable than the fact that while these lists and literally at least 50 more are running thru my head...
while I'm working and busy and organizing all the worlds problems away there's a flashing neon sign in my head and a weary spot in my heart reminding me that there are other things I should be doing and everyday that passes I'm not getting any younger and if I'm not keeping house and making babies like a woman should, I should at least be making music, I should. I should allow that though everything I hide behind is good, it's not everything...
But so much time has passed and it wasn't because I wasn't trying and I wasn't using waiting on Gods
Timing as a facade or an excuse. There were times when building a platform for others was more important, and as I get another message asking if they're on the stage this year and I have to say no...not this year, I'm torn. Because I want to give to others... So I guess my momentary pause tonight is this, is it pride in me that is wants something to show for all these years of work, or is it Gods timing? Finally a small piece of fulfillment of the years of work, promises, sweat, patience and
Tears.... Why am I giving pause to any question? I'm going downstairs to answer it.
But I probably don't have it in me because although my body has been playing errand girl at the lumber yard and at Lowes and in between times I've been cooking for 16, and playing school teacher to my little sister and answering phone calls and doing all this business until I'm too tired and sore to feel like blogging into my phone... My mind is running nonstop in different ways. I don't have time to amuse anyone by laughingly writing off my frustration, because after a meeting that changed my year I'm rescheduling the next 6 months in my head, I'm literally making multiple lists in my head for every area of my life and my family's life and our year and festivals and merch and new product and groceries and a new album, and the current album, and the cheapest place to buy milk and sugar and lettuce and flour and organizing the next festival and making this weeks menu and comparing prices on high-speed internet so I can turn it on while we are home so I can work and type these lists and many more into the computer...but I don't have a computer anymore because the ancient laptop that I have everything on just broke out of the blue. It won't turn on anymore and I keep reaching to look something up but I can't because my laptop's broken and I have no way to get a new one... Inconvenient but still much more bearable than the fact that while these lists and literally at least 50 more are running thru my head...
while I'm working and busy and organizing all the worlds problems away there's a flashing neon sign in my head and a weary spot in my heart reminding me that there are other things I should be doing and everyday that passes I'm not getting any younger and if I'm not keeping house and making babies like a woman should, I should at least be making music, I should. I should allow that though everything I hide behind is good, it's not everything...
But so much time has passed and it wasn't because I wasn't trying and I wasn't using waiting on Gods
Timing as a facade or an excuse. There were times when building a platform for others was more important, and as I get another message asking if they're on the stage this year and I have to say no...not this year, I'm torn. Because I want to give to others... So I guess my momentary pause tonight is this, is it pride in me that is wants something to show for all these years of work, or is it Gods timing? Finally a small piece of fulfillment of the years of work, promises, sweat, patience and
Tears.... Why am I giving pause to any question? I'm going downstairs to answer it.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.0
The Movie in my mind
I feel like I should really make a movie for you to in any way understand the multiplicity of what goes thru my head
It's visual, its musical and its far too deeply analytical
always the thoughts overlay images and then there's the music
The ongoing soundtrack playing behind and thru everything
It would probably do you good to hear it, words are not enough...
If a pen could paint this experience for you it would be far beyond genius. Maybe It's just that experience & discernment are a potent combination
All these intellectuals seeking what's already been found... I fear for their safety & yes, their salvation, because it's easily lost when you're caught up in finding new ways to God... Or just to the safety of feeling smart...
Wisdom & understanding, its far too underestimated and all this knowledge & avant garde enlightenment will not replace or sustain us
It's visual, its musical and its far too deeply analytical
always the thoughts overlay images and then there's the music
The ongoing soundtrack playing behind and thru everything
It would probably do you good to hear it, words are not enough...
If a pen could paint this experience for you it would be far beyond genius. Maybe It's just that experience & discernment are a potent combination
All these intellectuals seeking what's already been found... I fear for their safety & yes, their salvation, because it's easily lost when you're caught up in finding new ways to God... Or just to the safety of feeling smart...
Wisdom & understanding, its far too underestimated and all this knowledge & avant garde enlightenment will not replace or sustain us
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9
meager contributions
It seems like I should contribute something
I was thinking as I watched the sunrise over the highway
I was torn about sacrifices, I was questioning why I question
All I could think was I'll soon be between my sheets
And I won't have to stay awake writing, because it questions me
It asks me to embrace discipline and produce what I was born to
And I am entirely afraid of what I was made for, I'm afraid to admit
Its not that I don't know... But every half I step towards it
Excludes me more from the normalcies I would settle for
This should scare me, is this where I say, "but that's where faith comes in"?
No, It's where I cower, because knowing faith alienates me
Asking you to believe that God compensates for the unknown, embracing who I am, leaves me abandoned
I'm not sure I should express without resolve.... Forgive my process, my living out my contribution
I'll rework the happy ending, but that not always being in sight won't always stop me
Ahh, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp or what's a heaven for? (Lewis)
I was thinking as I watched the sunrise over the highway
I was torn about sacrifices, I was questioning why I question
All I could think was I'll soon be between my sheets
And I won't have to stay awake writing, because it questions me
It asks me to embrace discipline and produce what I was born to
And I am entirely afraid of what I was made for, I'm afraid to admit
Its not that I don't know... But every half I step towards it
Excludes me more from the normalcies I would settle for
This should scare me, is this where I say, "but that's where faith comes in"?
No, It's where I cower, because knowing faith alienates me
Asking you to believe that God compensates for the unknown, embracing who I am, leaves me abandoned
I'm not sure I should express without resolve.... Forgive my process, my living out my contribution
I'll rework the happy ending, but that not always being in sight won't always stop me
Ahh, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp or what's a heaven for? (Lewis)
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9
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